This anxiety kills me. Renders me immobile. My heart pounds in my chest. I can barely operate at all.
Apparently, I have a suspicious face. So several enforcers of the law have told me through the years. And the latest: a council official at the recycling centre, interrogating me to ascertain that my load is household waste and I am a resident. Even after listing the contents of my vehicle in flustered detail and providing …
I find myself ill-equipped to support a teenager going through their cool-tough-popular-rebellious phase, because I was never any of those things. My narrow, gaunt face did not allow me to be cool. My skeletal frame and inability to develop any muscle mass prevented me from being tough. Professing a love of reggae and hip hop …
Isn’t it funny how our thoughts coincide? The wise sage gives voice to all I wrote of, so much more articulately than I ever could. Perhaps there is an imperceptible link between every namesake, each mirroring the other.
I am having a morning I can only describe as “scattered” triggered by two interactions. The first, a training session first thing. I was the trainer, providing an interactive session via video call. The learner was based in a noisy office, and kept accidental leaving their microphone open, resulting in me completely losing my train …
I’m a daydreamer. Some dreams come to fruition. Some don’t. Just now, I’m dreaming up plans for our basement. Gone my plans to build my own hamam, injecting a sense of realism at last. Now and then, I entertain the notion of building a workshop like Kris Harbour has, but having none of his skills …
I still remember the evening a respected sage described people like me as misfits and losers. Of course, he couldn’t have known that this was how I identified, but I challenged him nonetheless, because I didn’t think it was very kind. I suspect a lot of people would describe me this way. I would too, …
It’s back. That moment of not being interested… in anything. The days completely demotivated, barely able to engage with any task. Evenings spent feeling at a loose end. No film, book, TV show, or video short appeals, at all. Yes, I’m back there again, once more.
Oh dear. My low, soft, slow, monotonous, stuttery, northern voice has been preserved for all to listen back to at will. Unbearable.
I can’t live up to the exacting standards you have for me.
I get it. Presenting to a group of staff, a hundred strong, is no big deal for you. But it’s a big deal to me. A big deal to one who prefers the company of one. Who frequently suffers from slow and broken speech, brain fog, and occasionally a complete mind freeze. A month ago, …
Every now and then, you get a reality check which reminds you how things really are. Out delivering my car to the garage for its service, I encounter a pair who remind me exactly why I withdraw so often. Jeering mockery of the kind I have experienced all my life. Back home, I stare at …
“Speak, speak. We want to hear what you have to say.” This is how it starts. But, soon enough, it ends this way: “Just shut up, be quiet. You’re speaking rubbish.” That’s why I withdraw, back into my own spaces. I’m not here to please the crowd. I am what I am. Take it or …
Now and then, I have a complete blackout, and I can’t recall moments just gone at all. Mentioning this to my wife just now, she said, “Are you living in the matrix?” “Sometimes I think I am,” I replied. “When I consider all the coincidences.” “Yes, me too,” she nodded. Life is much too weird …
