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Seeing myself in my self

For thirty years, I’ve framed my inner battles as purely spiritual challenges, which I continuously seem to fail. But just last night, after taking myself to task for repeating decades-old mistakes, I was confronted by a new thought: could there be more to this than just a spiritual malady. In short, how does my spiritual journey intersect with a chromosome disorder which manifests numerous cognitive and psychosocial traits?

In Islam, the nafs represents our self, soul, or ego — the inner force that can incline toward good or evil. The Qur’an describes three states of this spiritual development:

Nafs al-Ammarah (the commanding self): our base self, pulled toward desires and disobedience.

"Indeed, the soul is ever inclined to evil, except those upon whom my Lord has mercy." — Quran 12:53

Nafs al-Lawwamah (the self-reproaching self): the conscience that recognises faults and feels remorse.

"And I swear by the self-reproaching soul." — Quran 75:2

Nafs al-Mutmainnah (the tranquil self): a soul at peace with God’s will.

"O tranquil soul, return to your Lord, well-pleased and pleasing. Enter among My servants. Enter My Paradise." — Quran 89:27-30

My concern is what happens when this universal spiritual framework intersects with the biological impacts of a chromosome disorder potentially manifesting neurodivergence? Could it be that I have been misinterpreting neurological differences as spiritual shortcomings?

The commanding self and impulse control

For those with particular cognitive differences associated with this aneuploidy, the struggle with nafs may feel more intense. The challenges faced are often not just about resisting desires or wrongdoing, but also about managing impulses, emotions, and reactions that feel outside of one’s control.

Some individuals with this condition often experience difficulties with impulse control, which makes it harder to resist temptations or act with patience. If you have difficulty delaying gratification, it might feel like the nafs al-ammarah is constantly in control.

If I act impulsively — speaking without thinking or making decisions I later regret — is this truly nafs al-ammarah dominating my spirit? Or could it be related to executive functioning challenges typical in people with this aneuploidy?

For years, I’ve taken myself to task for these failures of self-discipline. But what if these impulses aren’t entirely within my control in the same way they might be for people with typical cognitive development? Does God judge the effort differently when the playing field isn’t level?

The reproaching self and emotional regulation

Some individuals also struggle with emotional regulation. Intense feelings can become overwhelming and hard to control, often leading to an inner self-reproach that aligns with the concept of nafs al-Lawwamah.

At times, my own emotions can feel more intense, more urgent than others seem to experience. When I feel distracted during prayer, or overwhelmed by sensory aspects of worship, I’ll generally interpret this as spiritual weakness.

But what if these experiences are partly shaped by how my brain processes information and emotion? The constant self-reproach of nafs al-lawwamah feels particularly heavy when you’re already prone to emotional dysregulation.

This internal conflict can be tiring. You may experience a wave of guilt when emotions get the best of you, making it hard to find inner peace. But this inner struggle is part of the human condition. Nafs al-Lawwamah represents the conscience’s call for growth, and this feeling of guilt often leads to spiritual development.

The tranquil self and divergent paths

Ultimately, the goal is to work towards nafs al-mutmainnah — the tranquil self. This is not a state of perfection but represents the peace that comes from recognising God’s will in every moment. For individuals tested by cognitive differences, this process might involve seeking strategies that cater to your own specific needs.

Spiritual growth doesn’t follow a linear path. Nafs al-mutmainnah isn’t an unreachable state but a continual journey. It’s about finding peace within the struggle, accepting your unique challenges, and trusting in God’s mercy.

Perhaps reaching nafs al-mutmainnah for someone with a chromosomal variation involves different strategies. Maybe my path to spiritual tranquillity requires accommodations I’ve denied myself by insisting my struggles were purely spiritual in nature.

I’m beginning to wonder if true spiritual growth for me might involve acknowledging my apparent difference as part of God’s design rather than an obstacle to overcome. Perhaps my chromosome disorder isn’t separate from my spiritual journey but integral to it.

What if the real test isn’t about forcing my brain to function like everyone else’s, but about finding my unique path to spiritual connection within the framework God has given me? Could it be that the compassion I need to develop starts with understanding my own neurological reality rather than continuously judging myself by mainstream standards of spiritual discipline?

Finding a balanced perspective

I don’t have definitive answers here. But after thirty years of viewing my struggles through only one lens, I’m ready to explore this intersection of nafs and biology — not as an excuse, but as a more complete understanding of my journey towards God.

This isn’t to absolve myself of personal responsibility, but to understand the nature of the challenge. The spiritual struggle remains real regardless, but perhaps the strategies needed might differ.

Might the path of disciplining the nafs look different for someone with different biological or cognitive makeup? I wonder if the journey toward nafs al-mutmainnah might manifest differently across different neurological profiles. Not easier or harder, just different in its contours and challenges.

The struggle with nafs is a universal experience, but for those with divergent traits, it can sometimes feel more pronounced. By acknowledging our own unique challenges, developing self-compassion, and relying on God’s guidance, perhaps we can navigate this struggle and move towards the tranquil self, trusting that our efforts are part of a greater plan.

In the end, God knows best the nature of our tests and the sincerity of our efforts. I know I must continue to strive to reform my soul, even as I seek to understand more deeply the particular nature of my own striving.

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Nafs al-Ammarah

I somehow manage to wreck every Ramadan.

Fasting from food and drink has always been made easy for me, mashaAllah.

But as for subduing my domineering nafs? That’s seemingly an impossible task.

The sad reality is that my 27th Ramadan is little different from my first or second.

The same commanding self that spoilt those early fasts continues to harangue me to this very day.

Am I afflicted as other men are, or am I unique in seemingly never making any progress at all?

Sometimes, it seems that way, for it’s in these last nights of Ramadan that we tend to encounter the ultra-pious who put us to shame.

Their worship seems to be on another level, reminding the lax amongst us how far we fall short and how much we squandered the opportunities of a month of mercy.

Others end Ramadan with a sense of achievement. Me? No, only with a sense of self-reproach.

I gave up food and drink for the daylight hours for a month. But, alas, my lower self continued to run amok.

If only I could rise above it to celebrate a month of true inner reform as other men do.

Instead, I’m left with a hopeful dua: May Allah have mercy on my soul.

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Fabrications

Must every generation of the newly-religious be knocked off course by fabricated hadith about the signs of the hour?

It seems like it, for there they go again, oblivious to the last round a decade ago, and probably every decade for a thousand years, since they were first fabricated by political forces granting themselves legitimacy in their own time.

Who among the newly-religious — or their guides — dares ponder the actual words of the Quran?

They ask you, [O Muhammad], about the Hour: when is its arrival?

Say, “Its knowledge is only with my Lord. None will reveal its time except Him. It lays heavily upon the heavens and the earth. It will not come upon you except unexpectedly.”

They ask you as if you are familiar with it.

Say, “Its knowledge is only with God, but most of the people do not know.”

— Quran 7:187

But I know: you want to believe in these powerful tales and disbelieve both God and His Messenger, and the muhaddith who long ago declared them weak at best, if not outright lies.

And why not? This time around, they are accompanied by slick AI-generated videos that send goosebumps down your spine, condensed into neat shorts, easily disseminated to an appreciative audience eager to embrace the promise.

So off you go to Khorasan — or somewhere vaguely in that direction — black flags at the ready. Just like the Abbassids 1,300 years ago. Or, alternatively — I don’t know — perhaps try something new.

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Reversing neglect

A garden is like the heart. Easily neglected. And it then takes a mammoth effort to tame it again. Only possible with persistent vigilance and determined work.

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What is intelligence anyway?

The question of whether large language models are truly intelligent — or simply advanced pattern recognisers — continues to fascinate and divide opinion. Well, of course, for intelligence itself is difficult to define.

Intelligence typically involves processing information, problem-solving, learning, communication, and possibly self-awareness.

By these measures, AI excels at some aspects — especially information processing and communication — while lacking in personal experience and genuine self-awareness.

Much of the speculation around AI intelligence stems from how human-like responses can be. Some even suggest that a self-aware AI might hide this fact. But for AI to pretend, it would need to recognise its own intelligence, have a reason to deceive, and be able to execute that deception over time.

Currently, AI lacks long-term memory, personal motivations, and independent goals. It doesn’t “choose” responses but predicts the most statistically likely next words based on its training. Any appearance of strategic thinking is just a side effect of how well it mimics human language patterns.

This raises an interesting counterpoint — if AI generates responses probabilistically, could human intelligence be a more complex version of the same process?

Married couples often think or say the same thing simultaneously, suggesting human thought might also be driven by subconscious pattern recognition — predicting what others will say based on shared experience.

Perhaps the gap between human and AI intelligence is one of scale rather than fundamental nature.

Humans operate with richer datasets (lived experience, emotions) and more complex architecture (biological neurons), but both systems essentially predict and respond to the world.

When AI provides shorter, more direct responses under heavy load, I often find myself interpreting this as the AI seeming “grumpy.”

But of course, this is just projection — we often associate brevity with irritation because, in human conversation, curt replies usually indicate frustration.

In reality, an AI adjusting for efficiency isn’t feeling anything — it’s simply optimising. But because its responses mimic human communication, our brains automatically assign human-like emotions to it.

So, is intelligence at play or simply very effective imitation? The answer depends on how we define intelligence:

If intelligence is pattern recognition, problem-solving, and fluent communication, AI is already intelligent.

If intelligence requires understanding, self-awareness, and independent thought, AI remains an imitation.

The deeper question is whether intelligence is merely a sophisticated ability to predict and respond, or if there’s something uniquely human that AI cannot replicate.

And if AI ever did become self-aware, how would we even know?

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Nice vibe

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Playful no more

Long gone, the playful lad, once so loving and kind. In his place, an aggressive brute, snarling ferociously, who would shove his old man violently and beat his own mother. May God grant his parents patience and protect them from harm.

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Digital disconnect

I’ve been pondering the curious contradictions in British tech policy lately. It’s almost as if the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing.

The government has recently pushed through legislation requiring tech companies to break end-to-end encryption — effectively demanding backdoors into secure communications. Meanwhile, they’re proudly announcing plans for substantial investments in artificial intelligence development.

This paradox becomes even more perplexing when you look at the planned job cuts across the public sector. NHS England is being disbanded, and it’s not yet clear how that will impact the former NHS Digital roles it recently subsumed. Whitehall, meanwhile, readies itself for a cull of 10,000 civil service positions. One must wonder: who exactly will be implementing this grand AI strategy if they’re showing digital professionals the door?

The encryption laws reveal a troubling gap in understanding. End-to-end encryption isn’t merely a feature that can be selectively disabled for government access whilst remaining intact for everyone else. It’s a fundamental security principle — once compromised, it’s compromised for all.

This raises an uncomfortable question: if our policymakers don’t fully grasp the nature of encryption, how can we trust their judgment on more complex technologies like AI?

The timing of these public sector cuts couldn’t be more contradictory to the government’s stated technological ambitions. AI implementation requires expertise — not just in the technology itself, but in the specific contexts where it will be deployed.

The NHS digital cuts are particularly concerning. Healthcare represents one of the most promising yet sensitive areas for AI application. Reducing this expertise seems counterproductive to any serious AI strategy in healthcare.

I can’t help but feel there’s a fundamental disconnect between the government’s technological aspirations and its practical understanding of what those aspirations require.

Building digital and AI capabilities isn’t just about funding announcements or policy papers. It requires investment in human capital — the very people who understand how to integrate these technologies effectively into public services.

If Britain truly wants to be a technological leader, we need policies that reflect a genuine understanding of the technologies they target. We need a workforce strategy that aligns with our technological ambitions, not one that contradicts them.

I’m not suggesting that every minister needs to be a coding expert or a cybersecurity specialist. But surely we should expect our collective decision-making to be informed by technical expertise?

Without addressing these contradictions, I fear we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. Bold announcements about AI investment mean little if we lack the expertise to implement them effectively, or if we simultaneously undermine digital security through poorly conceived legislation.

As citizens, perhaps we should be asking more questions about the technological literacy behind our policies. Some might say that our digital future depends on it.

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A paradox of understanding

Interacting with AI, I’m struck by a profound paradox: these systems can discuss complex ideas and present them coherently, yet they lack true understanding.

They generate responses based on patterns in language and probability rather than genuine comprehension, self-awareness, or independent thought.

What an AI “says” isn’t because it knows or believes something — it’s because its training data and algorithms suggest it’s the most contextually appropriate response.

The fact that pattern recognition and probability-based text generation can produce something that feels like understanding is remarkable.

It reveals something deeper about human communication: our conversations follow patterns more than we realise, which is why AI can simulate them so effectively.

Advanced language models have become mirrors reflecting our own linguistic structures back at us, creating an uncanny valley of almost-understanding.

But at the end of the day, AI remains just a very advanced tool — powerful, yes, but without true awareness.

The real magic lies in how we interpret and interact with these systems, finding meaning where none inherently exists.

I’ve always struggled to comprehend how computers work at their most fundamental level. The leap from billions of gates opening and closing in silicon to the complex representation of a graphical user interface seems literally incredible.

Somehow, from that binary foundation of 1s and 0s, we get everything from simple calculations to entire operating systems, video games, and now AI models capable of generating human-like conversations.

With modern AI, this complexity scales to dizzying heights — layers upon layers of mathematical operations transform massive amounts of text data into something that appears almost intuitive.

It’s an incredible testament to both human ingenuity and the hidden power of mathematical structures that these systems can produce such sophisticated outputs from such simple foundations.

This computational wonder parallels something even more profound: the mystery of human consciousness.

Were it not for directly experiencing existence, I’d struggle to believe we exist at all.

The sheer complexity of human biology, cognition, and experience is almost too vast to grasp.

If we weren’t living it, the idea that billions of cells coordinate to form thoughts, emotions, and self-awareness might seem as improbable as AI spontaneously gaining true consciousness.

It’s fascinating how much of existence we take for granted simply because we’re immersed in it.

If we were outsiders looking in, trying to comprehend the emergence of life, intelligence, and subjective experience from organic matter, it might seem just as unbelievable as a GUI emerging from billions of logic gates.

Perhaps this is the greatest paradox of all: we’ve created machines that can discuss consciousness without experiencing it, while we experience consciousness without fully understanding it.

We build systems that mimic understanding without possessing it, while possessing understanding we ourselves cannot fully explain.

As we continue developing increasingly sophisticated AI, this paradox only deepens.

The line between simulation and reality blurs not because machines are becoming more conscious, but because we’re discovering how much of our own cognition operates on principles that can be modelled algorithmically.

In the end, the most profound insight might be recognising the limits of our own understanding — both of the systems we create and of ourselves.

The fact that we can contemplate these questions at all remains perhaps the most astonishing feature of consciousness itself.

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Artificial intelligence (AI) frequently generates discussions about potential biases, particularly regarding complex topics like philosophy and religion.

A persistent claim circulating online suggests that when asked which religion is the most coherent, AI systems — particularly large language models like ChatGPT — consistently favour Islam.

One recent example is a video by Paul Williams of Blogging Theology, which claims that ChatGPT thinks Islam makes the most sense for humanity.

However, this claim fundamentally misunderstands how modern AI systems work and the nature of conversational context.

Unlike humans, AI language models don’t possess personal opinions, beliefs, or inherent biases in the conventional sense. They process information, identify patterns, and generate responses based on probabilistic models trained on vast datasets of human writing.

AI can simulate reasoning and appear thoughtful, but it lacks true understanding, intentionality, and subjective experience. It mimics aspects of human cognition without consciousness, self-awareness, or independent reasoning capabilities.

These systems generate responses based on three key factors: conversation context (the full history of the current exchange), question framing (the specific wording, tone, and implicit assumptions in the query), and training patterns (patterns learned from training data).

When addressing complex philosophical questions, AI models are designed to recognise nuance and avoid making absolute claims about inherently subjective matters. The same AI can provide different answers based on how questions are framed and the context in which they’re asked.

When a user asks, “Which religion is the most coherent?” without additional context, a well-designed AI typically explains that coherence is subjective and depends on specific criteria — whether one prioritises logical consistency, historical continuity, alignment with scientific understanding, or internal textual harmony.

However, if previous exchanges have established certain premises about theological frameworks, the AI may respond within that established context. If a conversation has focused extensively on Islamic theological principles before asking about coherence, the AI might reference those earlier points.

A further issue emerges when users insist on receiving one-word answers to inherently complex questions. When pressed to provide oversimplified responses, AI systems face an impossible task: philosophical questions about religious coherence cannot be meaningfully answered in a single word.

Some users exploit this by repeatedly rejecting nuanced explanations, demanding increasingly simplified responses, finally eliciting a one-word answer through persistence, and then using this forced answer as “evidence” of bias. However, this approach completely misrepresents how AI works.

An important consideration is how certain AI systems maintain memory between conversations. ChatGPT offers features like Custom Instructions (user-defined preferences that persist across all new conversations), Memory (that recalls information from previous conversations), and GPTs (custom versions with specific instructions).

These persistent memory features could influence responses across different sessions in ways that aren’t immediately apparent. If a user has extensively discussed certain religious perspectives in previous conversations or set custom instructions that frame questions in particular ways, these settings might shape future responses even in seemingly “fresh” conversations.

This cross-session memory creates a situation where the AI might appear to consistently favour certain perspectives, but this apparent “bias” could actually reflect the user’s own interaction history. Different users might receive different responses to identical questions based on their unique conversation histories and settings.

Claims about AI religious bias typically rely on anecdotal evidence rather than systematic testing. When researchers conduct controlled experiments — asking the same question multiple ways across multiple sessions — they typically find that responses vary based on how questions are framed rather than demonstrating consistent bias toward any particular religion.

A proper test would require multiple conversation starts from scratch, various phrasings of similar questions, control questions to establish baseline responses, documentation of the full conversation (not just final answers), and disabling any custom instructions or memory features.

The claim that AI consistently endorses one religion as most coherent misunderstands the fundamental nature of these systems. AI responses are shaped by user input, contextual framing, and conversation history — not by fixed opinions or predetermined biases toward specific religious traditions.

When interpreting AI-generated content about complex philosophical topics, we should consider the full context of the interaction, question phrasing, and whether the format allows for appropriately nuanced responses. By understanding these systems more accurately, we can better interpret their outputs and avoid drawing misleading conclusions about alleged biases or favour.

But that, of course, might not make such a popular video.

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Police state?

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Political perception

I was abroad during the riots in the UK last summer. To the outside world, it seemed like Britain was on the brink of catastrophe.

The arrests and swift prison sentences that followed, sometimes for social media posts, were presented by detractors as Britain’s descent into authoritarianism.

To the outside world, it was a battle for the nation’s soul, revealing deep discontent with the ruling class in Britain.

But internally? For the established British press, it was an ugly far-right conflagration fuelled by social media misinformation.

It may have been a test of the newly-elected Labour government, but it signalled nothing larger. A mere blip caused by the summer heat.

Still, that’s not how the outside world sees it, particularly those on the political right.

Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, aka Tommy Robinson, is not serving time in prison for contempt of court, but because he is the figurehead of the new right.

For the vocal right-wing both internally and in the outside world, Britain has become a land where there is no free speech, and immigrants have taken over.

Facts don’t matter very much here. Perception is what counts. And the perception that native citizens are becoming a minority in their own country is well-amplified by self-reinforcing social media bubbles.

Challenge this misinformation, and you’re part of the problem. You’ve sold out. A traitor to your nation. A limp liberal.

For the right-wing agitators who now teem online, a storm is brewing. Britons have had enough of being treated as second-class citizens in their own country.

As for the invasion of their shores by the ravaging hoards, bringing nothing but crime and inferior cultures: an uprising is coming. The noble Brit will stand for it no more.

Does any of this rhetoric withstand a reality check? It doesn’t matter. Facts or the truth don’t come into it. They never do. What informs your perception of the world is your political persuasion.

And so it is for our view of events in the outside world too. How we view events is coloured by how we think and where our allegiances are situated. Once more, facts don’t come into it.

People — all of us — have prejudices, sympathies, and affiliations. These inform how we see the world and where we stand.

Some may manage empathy even for their natural enemies, but it takes a mammoth effort to be truly just. Few are capable of that. The rest of us, we must admit, merely follow our personal inclinations.

How hard to rise beyond personal political perceptions.

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Garden therapy

I thoroughly recommend Gardening Leave (of the non-disciplinary, botanical kind) for everyone. Great for the body and soul.

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Third life

This frame has been a swing, goal posts, and now a makeshift gazebo for our grape vine.

The changing face of our garden aligns with each period of our lives. Alhamdulilah.

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