9.4
When Satya met her brother by his car after school, he said nothing to her. When she sat beside him and they began their journey home, he kept his thoughts to himself. When they arrived at their front door and wandered into the hall, he seemed uninterested in her company.
Yet when Satya returned to her bedroom after a long refreshing shower, she found Sukhbir sitting on her bed, clutching her diary in his hands. ‘Yo veerji,’ she said when she saw him, but he did not reply; he looked troubled. ‘What’s wrong?’ she asked.
‘I saw you,’ he said, ‘I saw you with that boy.’
‘Which boy?’ she asked.
‘Don’t play games with me. You know exactly who I mean.’
‘But I don’t.’
‘That fat bastard, Ben Johnson!’ he cried.
‘Oh, him?’ she muttered innocently, ‘He’s in my History set. We were just chatting.’
‘Since when have you started chatting to boys?’
‘You chat to all the girls.’
‘We’re not talking about me,’ said Sukhbir firmly.
‘Well maybe we should…’
‘No, sorry, we need to talk about this,’ he said, glancing down at her diary. Opening up to the page he had bookmarked with his thumb, he began to read it back to her aloud. ‘9 March 1994. I saw a three-letter name blotted out with marker pen through a window today. We exchanged glances. It was the first time his eyes didn’t skip away seeing me. I know he felt what I felt then.’ Looking up, Sukhbir glared at her. ‘I feel like he’s my refuge. Everyone but him treats me with contempt. I feel like he’s the only person who respects me.’
‘Dad’s a three-letter word,’ sputtered Satya, trying to steal her notebook back.
‘I haven’t finished,’ he growled, keeping it from her. ‘Here’s your last sentence: “I wish we could be together.” Doesn’t fit, does it? In fact, I think I’ve counted that sentence at least seven times so far. You have some weird, cryptic stuff in here.’
‘That’s what diaries are for.’
‘Locked diaries, especially,’ he snarled. ‘Sorry, but I broke it,’ he added, handing her the tiny pink padlock, its shank snapped right off. Rising from her bed, Sukhbir looked at her sombrely. ‘I’m not stupid,’ he told her hotly, ‘You’ll stay away from that idiot. Do you understand?’
‘He’s just a friend. Won’t you stop for once?’
‘No,’ he replied, placing her diary on her bed as he made his way from the room. ‘I’m watching you.’
Sent into a short-lived tangle of gloom, Satya flipped her diary open before her and began to scribble furiously, emptying her thoughts onto the page.
Sometimes I choose to be silent;
sometimes it’s another’s command.
Sometimes I choose my silence,
sometimes it’s imposed.
Sometimes I cannot be heard;
sometimes the noise drowns me out.
Sometimes I choose to be silent.
Sometimes I don’t, but I am.
Sometimes I want to be silent.
Sometimes I don’t.
Sometimes you make me silent.
Sometimes I am.
When she finally wandered down to the kitchen, she found everyone except her father seated at the table, finishing off the last of their meal. The fish had been grilled perfectly; the potatoes soft, dripped in melting butter; the peas embedded in a white sauce—and now there was hardly any left. Peering past the doorframe at the delicious spread, she decided to set her part-time vegetarianism aside for the evening and tuck in before her brother helped himself to more.
‘Following in your dad’s footsteps, I see,’ snapped her mother sharply, eyeing her assiduously, ‘Is there a reason you’re late?’
Sitting down next to Jaspreet, Satya picked up her cutlery and flaked the white fish onto her fork. ‘No, sorry,’ she replied, ‘I didn’t hear you call.’
‘A likely tale. Seems like you’re hiding something.’
‘No,’ she muttered, ‘I was just making some notes.’
‘Sukhbir said he saw you with some boy,’ she growled.
Satya glanced at her brother edgily for a second, but her eyes soon skipped away. For a moment, it seemed like she might not respond; her thoughts seemed to be elsewhere, her gaze vacant. ‘I know,’ she replied instead, ‘he told me.’
‘Is that all you have to say?’
‘Pretty much,’ she muttered, but their eyes weighed on her. ‘If you must know, I was planning to meet him actually, but Bal invited me over, so I changed my plans. But in the end, I didn’t even go there. I wish I’d stuck to my original plans.’
‘What on earth does that mean?’ cried her mother.
‘It means, yes, Sukhbir’s right, I was talking to a boy in my class. Because I’m helping him with stuff. He’s in a bad situation.’ She glanced at her mother and her brother in turn. ‘His name’s Ben,’ she said guardedly, ‘He has a lot of issues.’
For her apparent act of charity, there seemed little to complain about. Satya took a mouthful and focused on her plate, fully conscious that eight eyes were watching her, waiting for something. The room was so quiet that even the smothered whirring of the fridge could be heard and every stroke of her knife against the china grated a painful discord. When the telephone rang, then, it was a welcome interruption, but only for a second.
‘Well, well, well, Satya,’ began Sukhbir when he charged back into the room a minute later. ‘Speaking of angels, that was our Bal. Shall I tell you what she asked me? Shall I tell everyone?’
‘Tell them what you like,’ she said, ‘but it isn’t true.’
‘What isn’t? That you’re dating that boy?’
‘Is this true?’ yelled her mother.
‘Of course not.’ She shook her head, self-assuredly. ‘She’s completely wrong,’ she insisted, ‘it’s nothing like that at all.’ She pushed another forkful into her mouth, but her family’s eyes were still locked on her. ‘But even if it was true,’ she snapped when their gapes remained, ‘what does it matter? Dad dated you when you were my age. Doesn’t he love to tell us what a romantic he was?’
‘Your dad has a vivid imagination,’ she told her, wishing him home. ‘So is it “even if”, or is it really true?’
‘I just told you, didn’t I? It’s just that Bal always hated him and just can’t stand me talking to him. She would say anything. Sukhbir’s completely wrong. Ben’s just a boy in my class who’s going through a hard time at the moment. And I’m just trying to make things easier for him, that’s all.’
‘Why you, Satya?’ demanded her mother.
‘Because I think I’m indebted to him.’
‘Indebted? For what?’
‘Ask Sukhbir. Twice he rescued me from a kicking, and once he thumped the boy who tried to get me. Sukhbir, on the other hand: he just laughed when they did all that. So I feel like I owe him the odd random act of kindness in return. Don’t you?’
‘Is this true, Sukhbir?’
Sukhbir looked back at them angrily, his arms waving wildly. ‘I’m not her guardian, you know,’ he bawled, ‘I don’t spend my time running after her to make sure she’s alright. No one was there for us when we faced them off. Why should she be any different? So what if I laughed? She deserved it. She’s a spoilt brat.’ He stared at his sister meanly. ‘Yes, I laughed. If you must know. I laughed my head off.’
‘You’ll be laughing on the other side of your face, if you’re not careful,’ said his mother.
‘Why am I being told off? Satya’s the one who’s done something wrong.’
‘That’s not how it sounds to me.’
‘What? And you believe her?’ He shook his head, wincing. ‘I can’t believe this. Ridiculous.’
By now, her mother did not know whether to trust her daughter or not. She was not sure if she was let down by her daughter or by her son’s suspicion, but either way she was annoyed. Standing up, she dropped her plate into the sink and nearly stormed from the room, disgraced by her children. ‘You three have finished,’ she barked instead, glowering at them. ‘Leave us, please.’
One by one, Satya’s siblings sauntered away, Sukhbir first, followed by Meeta and then Jaspreet. When she was sure that they had ascended the stairs back to their rooms, Satya’s mother closed the kitchen door firmly and dropped back onto her chair.
‘Satya,’ she said, studying her demeanour, ‘You remind me a lot of a girl I once knew.’ She waited for her daughter to give her her full attention. ‘She was bright, intelligent, hardworking too. She was the top of her class, the top of her year, always getting the best grades. Her parents thought she’d go far. She had her heart set on becoming a doctor. That was her dream.’
‘And, let me guess, something awful happened to her?’
‘Not awful…’
‘What then?’ asked Satya.
‘Well you’re looking at her,’ she said, staring at her resolutely. ‘That girl was me,’ she added, nodding. ‘Please, Satya, don’t make the same mistakes I did.’
‘Mistakes? What kind of mistakes?’
‘Getting into a relationship before you’re ready.’
‘A relationship?’
‘How did you pass your entrance exam for your old school?’
‘I don’t know, by studying hard, I suppose.’
‘And?’
‘Concentrating?’
‘Was there nothing I did to help?’
‘Well, yeah…’
‘Didn’t I tutor each of you all through primary school? Didn’t I teach to read and write? You were reading in nursery. Was that because you’re a genius child, or because I devoted myself to your education?’
‘I know, I owe you a lot.’
‘I’m not saying that you owe me anything, Satya. I’m just asking you to reflect on this: that I could’ve got the best results in my family. I could’ve pursued my dreams and become a doctor. Instead, I threw it all away daydreaming about this nice guy constantly flattering me with his poetry.’
‘You mean dad?’
‘Who else?’
‘So are you saying marrying dad was a mistake?’
‘Obviously I don’t mean anything like that,’ she stuttered, ‘but… I was young, naïve. I had my whole future ahead of me. No, but of course, I loved your dad to bits. It’s just… it didn’t need to be my priority then… not yet. I didn’t have to marry that early.’
‘But if you hadn’t, there’d be none of us…’
‘I’m not saying that, Satya. I’m not looking to change my life. I’m just telling you… Look… take a look at your uncles and aunts… Look what they’ve achieved in their lives. That could’ve been me.’ She thought for a moment. ‘And it can still be you, so long as you stay focused.’
‘I am staying focussed,’ she replied, ‘but…’
‘Please don’t let there be a “but”. You’ll regret it when you’re older. You’ll wish you listened to your parents. I certainly wish I’d listened to mine.’ She gazed at her daughter. ‘I don’t know which of you is telling the truth: you or your brother. Either way, I want it to stop. Whatever you’re up to, just stop it.’
‘All I’m doing, I promise, is…’
‘Jeopardising your whole future. I don’t care if he’s Oliver Twist. It’s not your job to help him. There are social services for that. I don’t care what you think he did for you. I just don’t care. What you’re doing will only lead to disaster. Believe me.’
‘Is it because he’s white?’
‘Now you’re worrying me again, Satya.’
‘Because he’s white?’
‘Because it sounds like you’re getting emotionally involved with some boy you’ve already told me has a load of problems.’ She stared at her daughter. ‘Are you?’
Satya was quiet and gazed away.
‘Why the silence, Satya?’
‘Because he’s the only person who’s nice to me these days. He’s the only person who shows me any kindness. Sukhbir’s horrible to me all the time. Jas is the same. You and dad: you’re always working. My classmates: we don’t get on. But I’m just meant to be this boring girl who does nothing but study. Well I can’t take it anymore. I have feelings.’
‘Feelings for him?’
‘No, feelings for myself. There’s no positivity anymore. It’s all just so negative, all the time. I don’t think the sole pursuit of maya is good for me. My soul needs more than this.’
‘Maya?’
‘The world…’
‘I know what maya means, Satya. I’m wondering why you’re saying this. What you think you’re rejecting is the difference between a life of ease and a life of hardship. To the world beyond our front door, we’re nothing but immigrants and that’s all we’ll ever be. Nobody will hand a life of ease to you. You have to work for it.’
Satya was silent again.
‘Satya, whatever’s going on, or whatever you think’s going on… I want it to stop. Right now. Put an end to it. Finish it. Do you understand?’
‘Not really,’ muttered Satya.
‘What does that mean?’
‘I’m the only one in this family who seems to care about our culture. I’m the only one who seems to care about being Sikh. I’m the only one who seems to care how it teaches us to live our lives. I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m just practising karseva.’
‘Seva? If you want to serve, start with your family. Please, don’t make me take drastic action. Whatever you’ve done is done, but it ends now. I’m not going to repeat myself.’
Left to finish her dinner alone, Satya felt guilty; for a few moments, she attempted to eat her final mouthfuls, but soon she had pushed her plate to the middle of the table and buried her head in her folded arms, a sickly feeling rising within. Pondering on the words of her mother and brother, she resolved to stay away from Ben, to heed their words and warnings. In the next instant, though, she was on her feet and hurrying from the house to see him. It was like magnetism: an attraction beyond her control.
