7.4
If he could have fled, he would have. He felt the urge to skip games, for he barely had enough energy to walk to his locker, let alone pretend sports might be good for him. His intense hunger caused a painful ache in his chest and dizziness between his eyes, his body already sore under the weight of eleven major bruises. The two on the side of his head were most visible, but beneath his uniform his skin was marked on every limb, his torso stained by four large grey blemishes and numerous minor blotches. He did not feel like subjecting himself to the stares of his classmates as he undressed in the changing rooms. He would head for home if he could. Were it not for the rage which consumed him, Ben would have been on his way already.
‘Your stupid friend has dropped me in it,’ he complained bitterly, catching Siti Noor as she emerged from the sports hall at ten minutes past two.
‘Which one?’ she asked, ‘They’re all stupid these days.’
‘Satya,’ he said, subdued by her gracious smile. ‘Now her brother’s giving me grief. I don’t need any more of this rubbish. Can you tell your friend to leave me alone? Please.’
As she drew to a halt, Siti Noor beamed back at him sympathetically, her eyes as bright as the moon. ‘You’re her knight in shining armour, Ben. First you saved her from a kicking, then you taught your friend a lesson for trying it on. What did you expect would happen?’
‘I didn’t expect anything. Those things just happened.’ It felt like his head was boiling. ‘I’m serious,’ he said desperately, ‘I can’t take any more of this. He says he’ll break my back if I even so much as speak to her. I don’t need this. I’m covered in cuts and bruises already. I don’t want any more. Can you tell her to leave me alone?’
‘Satya’s my friend, Ben. How am I meant to say that to her?’
‘You’ll think of something.’
‘I’m out of ideas already. She doesn’t listen to a word I say. You’ll have to deal with this one yourself.’ She hoped he would understand. ‘Here she comes now. I’ll call her over.’
‘No, Nora, don’t.’
‘What? After everything that happened today, you’re scared of speaking to her?’
‘I don’t know what I’m scared of,’ he muttered. ‘Today’s been worse than I expected. I thought Friday would be the end of it. I didn’t think it would carry on like this. I have the worst headache ever and I feel like my nose has been split in two. I want to go home right now. I don’t want to do games.’
‘I think you should stay,’ said Siti Noor warily, ‘They want you to run away. Don’t. Be a thorn in their sides.’
‘How? Mr Todd had words with me earlier. He wanted to know why I’m covered in bruises. I told him I fell off my bike, and that was that. He didn’t ask any more questions.’
‘They want an easy life, Ben. Every teacher in the school must’ve seen what happened to you at lunchtime. If you want them to do something, you’ll have to say. Otherwise the record stands: you fell off your bike in the canteen.’
As they spoke, students emerged from the doors behind them, already changed for games, anticipating a warm-up run around the school grounds. Siti Noor watched as Siddique appeared like a great guru leading devoted disciples to salvation, his friends gathered around him in a huddle to imbibe those hilarious tales of his that would make them all laugh out loud in unison.
‘Sid has devoted followers, hasn’t he?’ said Siti Noor, glancing back at Ben, ‘I never realised they really liked him. Even Sally and Amanda! And to think, all this time I thought they were just hangers-on.’ She studied the reaction on his face, but he seemed indifferent to her words. ‘So what did Satya say to them?’ she asked a second later, ‘It seems it didn’t go down very well.’
‘I don’t know why she decided to get involved. She’s after something.’
‘She wants you to forgive her.’
‘For what?’
‘For blanking you for the past three months.’
‘Was she blanking me? I didn’t notice.’
‘Ha ha, Ben,’ she chortled, ‘you’re a terrible liar. You told Anjana she has an attitude problem.’
‘Maybe I did, I don’t recall. But either way, she’s starting to get on my nerves. Can’t you just tell her I’ve forgiven her for whatever it is she’s supposed to have done?’
‘She wants to hear it from you. She wants you to notice her. She wants you to be nice to her.’
Ben groaned clumsily. ‘But I don’t like her, Noorjana. I’m sorry. She’s your friend, I know. I know I shouldn’t say this about your friend, but I can’t help it. I don’t like her. And I don’t have any energy left for these games. Please, Noor, can you just tell her to leave me alone?’
‘No Ben,’ she replied, ‘I’ll let you tell her yourself. Here she is.’
Helplessly, he looked on as his Malay companion whispered something in Satya’s ear and then guided her in his direction. For a second, he considered turning away from her, but instead watched as his last remaining friend in the whole wide world continued on her way, out onto the playing fields beyond. Glimpsing at Satya, he exhaled loudly and filled his face with a sour frown.
‘So?’ she began, looking at him intently, ‘What’s up? You look annoyed.’
‘I wanted your friend to tell you something,’ he stuttered.
‘About me? Why don’t you say it to my face?’
Hastily, Ben looked all around him, worried that a pair of eyes might see them. With agitated indecision, he walked one way and then another, seeking a space out of sight. Nowhere was perfect really, and so he finally stood still, turning his back to the path.
‘Satya,’ he whispered, ‘there are a lot of things going on in my head at the moment. I don’t need any extra stress. I know you’re probably only trying to be nice to me, but… But…’ He stared over her shoulder, resting his gaze on nothing at all. ‘Just give me some space.’
‘What do you mean? I am giving you space. I just wanted you to know I’m sorry about the way I treated you. I feel bad about it. That’s all. I just want you to forgive me.’ She wished that he would look at her, but she thought she could tolerate his vacant eyes for now. ‘Because I feel terrible,’ she said remorsefully, ‘I hate myself. I want you to know I respect you. For what you did, I mean. What you did meant so much to me. You wouldn’t understand. You made me feel special. It was the first time since I came here that I felt like somebody cared about me, that I felt happy. You made me happy, Ben.’
She stopped, hoping that he would fill the interlude with thoughts of his own, but he said nothing. Satya just watched as his face turned crimson, as if his blood was boiling, specks of perspiration appearing on his forehead and neck.
‘I’m not trying to intrude into your life, Ben,’ she added when not even half a word emerged from his lips. ‘I’m not trying to impose myself on you. I’m not demanding anything from you. I just want you to know I’m sorry. Really, truly, I am.’
‘But you are intruding, Satya,’ he cried finally, ‘I have so much to deal with, so much to carry, so much to bear. I’m trying my best, but it’s impossible. The last thing I needed was your brother on my back. I didn’t need it, Satya. I just want peace.’
‘My brother’s spoken to you?’
‘Yes, yes, of course he’s spoken to me. He’s been harassing me for the past half hour. And I’m tired of it. He keeps warning me to stay away from you, but you’re the one who’s following me. I’m trying to stay away from you, but you keep on sticking your nose in my face.’
At last their eyes met, but somehow she wished they remained elsewhere.
‘You know, Satya, I heard you the first time. You’re sorry. Great, you’re sorry. I heard you the first time, so now give me a break. I need space, Satya. I don’t need all this extra shit.’
‘My brother had no right to say anything to you.’
‘Yes, I know he had no right. That’s what I’m saying. He has no right, and you have no right.’ His skin was now dark red. ‘I’m tired of it, Satya. I’m dealing with too much. I can’t handle this rubbish.’
‘But Ben…’
He did not mean to explode, but his fierce temper seemed to be beyond his rein, seething through him like a forest fire. ‘My dad beat the hell out of me the other week,’ he yelled, waving his arms in the air. ‘He threw me out. I’m staying in a house that stinks of raw sewage. I have no money. I’m hungry. I’m ill. I don’t know where my mum is. My friends have all turned their backs on me. I’ve had kicking after kicking since Friday. I’m on the verge of giving in. Life doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. I’ve had enough.’ He glared at her so intently that she almost cried. ‘But you want to add your shit on top. Well you can’t, Satya. I can’t handle it.’
He felt sick, like he was going vomit right in front of her. His arms were trembling, his stomach hollow. He gasped for air, but it was not enough. He tried to inhale more, but he felt breathless, his nausea rising. Turning from her, he placed his hands on his head, as if this was his surrender. He paced away from her for a second and then paced straight back.
‘Forgive me,’ he muttered, looking at her briefly, ‘it’s just the stress of it all. I can’t take it.’
‘It’s okay,’ she replied, ‘I understand.’
‘You don’t understand. You can’t.’
‘I don’t want to make things worse for you,’ she said, ‘I just feel like I’d like us to be friends.’
Ben groaned again. ‘I know you’re only trying to be nice to me, ’ he said, ‘but let’s not. Let’s just go our separate ways. You can say hello to me in the morning, I don’t mind. We can just be normal classmates. But let’s leave it at that. I can’t deal with the hassle.’
‘Is friendship a hassle?’
‘After the week I’ve just had, I think you know the answer to that. But I’m not talking about that. I mean the hassle with your lot. I know how it works, Satya, and, believe me, it’s not worth the trouble. It’s just a waste of time. It’s pointless.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You know what I mean. “Talk to my sister and I’ll beat the hell out of you.” It’s the way it goes.’
‘Oh, you mean big bad Asian men, right? Is that what you mean? That’s such an ignorant, tired stereotype. My family wouldn’t mind. They’re not religious or anything; I’m the only one who cares about that. I don’t think they’d care at all who I take as friends, as long as I don’t become a Goth.’ She thought that he might chuckle at that too, but his frown remained. ‘Seriously, we’re not all alike, Ben. You know, we all believe in different things. We’re not clones. And my family definitely wouldn’t make a fuss. I’m certain of that.’
‘Unfortunately, I’m certain they would. After all, your brother’s already threatening to break my back.’
‘He said that?’ she yelped, shuddering suddenly.
‘Why are you so surprised? That’s how it goes, isn’t it?’
‘Ben, it’s not what you think. I used to think of my brother as my best friend, but these days we’re like worst enemies. He hates me so much, because… well, it doesn’t matter why. He’s always trying to score points against me at home, he’s always trying to get me into trouble.’ Satya tried to pull his eyes back to her. ‘It’s not because he’s some big bad brother, some self-righteous stereotype,’ she muttered patiently.
‘I’m not talking about a bloody stereotype, Satya,’ yelled Ben, ‘I’m talking about your brother. I’m talking about you. Obviously, I’m not talking about bloody Meera Syal. I’m not talking about Sonya Madan. I’m talking about your sodding family.’
‘Let me finish. It’s not, oh, he’s some big bad zealot. If we were white, it’d be just the same. Maybe it’s just how brothers and sisters are. Honestly, Ben, he’s just using you to get at me. It’s not an Asian thing…’
‘I never said it was an Asian thing,’ he cried, exacerbated, cutting her off, ‘You’re not listening to what I’m saying…’
‘It’s not family honour,’ she interrupted in turn.
‘I never said it was…’
‘It’s just my brother’s constantly fighting me these days. I mean, he’s doing battle. He’s just scoring points.’
‘Maybe you don’t know your brother as well as you think you do.’
‘Honestly, Ben, don’t worry about him. He’s not as tough as he likes to make out. He used to be such a softie. It’s just talk. He’s not going to do anything, Ben.’
‘He’s done it before. He beat the living daylights out of the last boy he thought tarnished the honour of some Indian girl he didn’t even know.’
Satya’s jaw dropped. Her eyes enlarged, she stared at him. ‘How do you know about that?’ she asked, alarmed.
‘Everyone knows about it. And you, too, right?’
‘But I thought it was all kept quiet,’ she whispered.
‘What, is that the deal you made with him? Oh well, seems his secret’s out,’ he sniggered cynically. ‘But there we are: I know exactly what he’s capable of because we saw what happened last time. And we’re not talking about some random Indian girl now, are we? We’re talking about you. His sister.’
‘Ben, it’s all talk. For one thing, my dad would go ballistic if he found out my brother had been fighting. My dad’s strict like that.’
Ben laughed again, ejecting an audible jet of air through his lips. ‘Well someone has to be,’ he moaned caustically, ‘because last time, this school took your brother’s side. He sent that boy to casualty, but he’s the one who ended up suspended. Everyone said it was his fault for ignoring some non-existent cultural boundaries. Well, he had it coming to him, didn’t he, with a racist family like his?’
‘Did you know the guy?’ asked Satya.
‘Yeah, I knew him. He was a dickhead, but he didn’t deserve that.’ He stared at her. ‘Yeah, so there’s a very good reason why I’m telling you to leave me alone. I’ve no reason to doubt what your brother says.’
‘But I’m telling you, he wouldn’t do it. Not after the way my dad dealt with him last time. It’s just talk.’
‘Yeah well, let’s not put him to the test.’
‘Please, Ben, listen to me…’
It was no use: this was always going to happen; it was only a matter of time. ‘Satya Singh,’ screeched her games teacher as she arrived at their side, her voice too high-pitched to lend her the authority she thought she should command or the respect she believed she deserved and demanded, every single day an uphill battle. Ah, but at least she had a whistle. ‘You’re keeping everyone waiting,’ she cried, pushing it to her lips and blowing loudly, its piercing shriek causing them to jump out of their skins.
‘Move,’ she barked at the girl, grabbing at her shoulder, then shoving her forward, hoping to send her after the last of the girls wandering reluctantly out onto the playing fields. ‘Hurry up,’ she demanded, ‘I haven’t got all day.’
For a moment, Satya followed after her, dragging her bag of sports equipment along the ground behind her, but then she stopped all of a sudden, glancing back at that portly boy whose eyes appeared to stalk her.
‘What’s your problem?’ she sneered, shaking her head at him. ‘Haven’t you been sectioned yet?’ she asked him sourly. ‘You’re the talk of the staff room today. They’re placing bets on you, you know? Yep, what will the critically acclaimed, world-famous fatso Johnson do next?’ She released a burst of laughter. ‘My money’s on murder,’ she said, taunting him.
‘Yeah, and you’ll be my first victim,’ stammered Ben, his speech all slurred, his words colliding.
Hearing him, the teacher came to a standstill, as did Satya, who span around apprehensively and gazed back at him.
‘Now look here, boy,’ she cried, ‘Have some respect for your elders. I’m your teacher, if you hadn’t noticed.’
‘No, I hadn’t, actually,’ he slurred, faltering as his nausea hit him right between his eyes, ‘aren’t you just on work experience? You only look about fifteen.’
‘Ignore him, miss,’ urged Satya, diving into the gap between them, ‘he doesn’t know what he’s saying. He’s clearly delirious.’
‘She started it,’ murmured Ben, ‘She’s the one who’s decided the only way to survive this place is to get down with the kids and play it all cool. No, this woman aint my teacher. She’s just a stupid bully like the rest of them.’
‘Ben, please,’ said Satya, staring into his eyes and gesturing towards her mouth with her forefinger and thumb, pretending to zip her lips closed.
‘Oh, Singh, don’t you worry about me,’ laughed Ms Carlton, ‘if that’s how he wants to play it, that’s how we’ll play it. I was going to go easy on the schizo. Not anymore. Let’s put that self-confidence to the test, shall we? Let’s see who’s funny now.’
‘He didn’t mean it,’ pleaded Satya meekly, her hands now clasped together as if praying. ‘It’s my fault,’ she insisted, ‘I kept him. He was going home. He’s ill. It’s all my fault.’
‘No,’ said Ben, pushing himself off the wall, baring his teeth. ‘I did mean it, actually,’ he blurted aloud by accident. ‘Yeah, I meant every word of it. Don’t let her bully you, Satya. I’ve seen how she treats you. Don’t be so timid or she’ll walk all over you. Stand your ground.’
‘Very good, Johnson,’ chortled the teacher back at him, ‘How very good! Yes, but I’d like to hear you talking like that to Mr Barker. Oh, no, but it’s okay, Ms Carlton’s just a tiny little woman to be bullied by loud-mouth boys destined for the dole queue.’ The teacher stared at the boy with gross contempt. ‘Do I threaten you, Johnson? Because I have a Master’s degree at twenty-five? While you, on the other hand: you’re destined only to graduate to a psychiatric ward.’ She stepped closer to him and stared into his eyes. ‘Know your place, little boy,’ she sneered at him, his skin flushing red. ‘You’re perilously close to the edge. Shall I tell you what they’re saying in the staff room? Shall I? Shall I tell you what phone calls are being made? Shall I tell you what Mr Todd told me today?’ She watched how Ben’s eyes flicked away, and grinned at him all the more. ‘No, know your place, little boy,’ she jeered at him. ‘Or be put in your place,’ she added.
Stumbling backwards once more, the boy felt what seemed like a lightning bolt shoot right through him, his brain set on fire, his chest pulling so tightly that he thought he was going to suffocate. ‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured apologetically, his eyes searching for lava somewhere far beneath him, his face turned grey.
‘Ah, repentance,’ scoffed Ms Carlton, sniggering at him. ‘Not such a big man now, are we Johnson?’ she cried, mocking his short-lived burst of self-confidence. ‘I suggest you remember who you are,’ she told him.
From the look of him, his neck bending ninety degrees, his gaze must have passed through the molten lower mantle by now and was already penetrating the earth’s outer core. His face all a frown, it seemed as if he might never utter another word, his lips glued together by forces far beyond his control.
‘And you too, Singh,’ said the teacher, glancing back at her, ‘Remember who you are too.’
Screwing her eyes up, Satya peeped back at her. ‘Who am I?’ she asked, shrugging her shoulders.
‘You’re Sukhbir’s sister,’ spat Ben, animated all of a sudden.
‘Ha ha, Johnson, good one,’ snickered Ms Carlton, ‘but you’ll be laughing on the other side of your face in a minute. Let’s hope her brother’s watching.’ Staring at him, she began nodding her head. ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘for that, you’re coming with me. Soon you’ll remember exactly who you are.’ Lunging forwards, she grabbed hold of him and steered him towards the path. ‘Go on,’ she demanded, shoving him harshly, ‘move, you stupid lard arse. Get a move on.’
‘But miss,’ offered Satya hastily, trying desperately to insert herself between them, ‘please don’t do this. This is all my fault. I was the one going on and on at him. I didn’t mean to get him in trouble.’ Her hand landed on her teacher’s arm. ‘Please, miss,’ she said, ‘he doesn’t know what he’s saying. He’s ill.’
Hopelessly, Satya tried to tell her that Ben had been excused from the afternoon of sports. She tried to appeal to her better nature, speaking of his splitting headache, his nausea and that horrible dizziness within. His own games teacher had excused him, she tried to tell her, and had said he could go home.
‘That’s not what Mr Barker says,’ came her pitiless retort, ‘Does he have a note from his parents? Of course not.’ She laughed at him, her face contorted by her bitter scorn. ‘Why is he feeling unwell? Because he does no exercise,’ she jeered at him, ‘He needs to stop stuffing his face with chips and cakes, that’s all. He looks like Jabba the Hutt.’
‘Really, it wasn’t his fault, miss,’ protested Satya. ‘I know I’m late, and I know I’ve kept you waiting. I know I was talking when I should’ve been walking out there with the others. So you can punish me, it’s fine. I deserve it. But, please miss, let him off.’
‘Sorry, no can do,’ she replied, shoving him again. ‘Johnson needs putting back in his place. So get out of my way. Move!’
Standing aside, Satya watched as her teacher marched the boy along the path, her arm outstretched towards his shoulder blades, steering him in whichever direction she chose. Hurrying after them, Satya continued to plead for mercy. Still, it made no difference, for the woman was incandescent with fury, her ego bruised by the piercing observations of the giddy one. Ms Carlton would teach that impertinent upstart not to be insolent.
They came to a halt just short of the faint white lines on the southern edge of the waterlogged hockey pitch, where thirty girls had already gathered in a huddle, shivering against the cold. As their teacher flung her bag of equipment to the ground, they seemed to rearrange themselves into a semi-orderly line, boots half submerged in the grey mud, awaiting the earful of belittling censure they had come to expect at precisely this time every week without fail. While it was true that the pleasant radiance of the sun had deceived them, the chill of the wintry air stinging legs, hands and faces, it was not the weather that caused everyone to frown, but the arrival of their harshest critic.
‘So, why are we starting late again today?’ she cried, pacing backwards and forwards in front of them. ‘Anyone? Does anyone want to tell me? I’ll tell you why. Singh, here, kept you all waiting. And so Singh here will learn the hard way what happens to those who keep us waiting.’ The teacher’s eyes landed on the girl who had delayed them last week. ‘Let this be a lesson to the lot of you. If you keep me waiting, I’ll keep you waiting. You’re not children anymore. It’s about time some of you started to show some respect and behaved like grown-ups. Keep me waiting next week and the lot of you will be doing cross-country for two hours straight. Do you understand me?’ She glared at the girls edgily. ‘If you don’t want to end up like Singh and lardy boy here, I suggest you sort yourselves out.’
With a scowl on her face, Ms Carlton turned to Ben and roughly shoved him sideways, steering him with his shoulder into position. A second later, she seized Satya’s arm and dragged and pushed her towards him. ‘This’ll teach you not to be so impertinent,’ she said, pulling them together, face to face, until their limbs and torsos touched, ‘Have some manners, boy.’ She stared into his eyes. ‘Next time you’ll show some respect, little boy,’ she sneered at him. ‘And you’ll stand here until I’m ready,’ she told them.
Groaning, Ben immediately stepped backwards, away from the girl, but only found their teacher squaring up to him, pushing her face into his. ‘I’m going to humiliate you, Johnson,’ she breathed into his ear, just before she pushed them back together again. ‘I hope her brother sees this,’ she sniggered meanly.
‘And I hope Mr Smith sees this and you lose your job,’ he growled back at her dizzily, stepping backwards again. ‘And I hope you’re banned from ever working with kids again,’ he added for good measure.
‘Sorry,’ she whispered, ‘but Mr Smith’s the one who wants rid of you. I’m not the problem here, it’s you.’ Staring at him, she laughed in his face. ‘Know your place, little boy,’ she reminded him, aiming for his ear, but he stepped backwards again anyway.
‘Right,’ she said, shoving Satya towards him this time, ‘move once more, and you’ll be running around the playing fields every lunchtime for the rest of the month. Do you understand me?’ She did not await his retort. ‘You’ll stand in silence until I come back. Do you hear me?’ Glancing at them, she listened for a response. ‘Or do you want me to report your rude and insolent behaviour to Mr Smith?’ she asked, returning to him. ‘Yes, the same Mr Smith who’s itching to have you expelled. It’s your choice.’
Ms Carlton was right: subdued by her words, he felt utterly humiliated, locked in his place with sixty eyes fixed upon him, afraid of the mocking grins on the faces that gazed back at them. Standing there uneasily, he watched as their teacher stomped back to them, ordering them to replicate her warm-up exercises precisely, one after the other without relent.
‘She’s doing this on purpose,’ he muttered, ashamed, shuffling backwards once more. ‘Isn’t this abuse?’ he mumbled. ‘No, of course, it’s their anti-bullying strategy: to join in. I hate this school. I hate the lot of them.’
‘I’m watching you, Johnson,’ yelled their teacher, storming over to them and driving them back together. ‘I won’t warn you again. Move once more and you won’t know what hit you.’
Closing his eyes, Ben gave up, convincing himself that once blind he would be invisible, but it was not the case, for he could feel her. He could feel her feet beside his, her thighs touching his, their chests joined: it was too intimate, their private space despoiled. He had never realised before that they were so close in height—she had always seemed taller due to her slender build, while he had always felt short—but now it was painfully apparent, for her face was too close to his, her eyes too near, her perspiration all too real. Bending his neck, he gazed over her shoulder, and she did the same, an identical embarrassment drawing down on her. Ms Carlton had dreamt up the perfect punishment for their heedlessness, piling discomfiture and shame upon them.
Scared to move, Satya grew conscious of features she had not noticed before. First there was the smell: of his hair, his clothes and skin. It was unpleasant and quite repulsive; a musty combination of sweat, cooking oil, tobacco, rain, and blood. And then there was the odour on his breath—the vile smell of hunger—but even that she could endure. For a moment, her gaze settled on the collar of his shirt: it was off-white, pale grey, cream and faintly brown, witnessing to more than a day’s grime. A second later, her eyes were on the bruise on the side of his head, and on the scab that had formed on his cheek, sealing a jagged wound.
‘Ben,’ she whispered finally, ‘why are you trembling like that?’
‘I can’t help it,’ he whined.
Satya could feel his blood pulsating through his veins, his heart pounding, his tendons vibrating violently. ‘Relax,’ she said calmly, ‘this isn’t your fault. I don’t blame you. Carlton hated me from the moment we met. As soon as they told her I used to go to a private school she was against me. She always picks on me in games. She calls me a snob. This is her way of undermining me. She never liked me.’
‘She never liked me, either,’ moaned Ben, ‘but this is a step too far. They can’t do this kind of thing. It’s not allowed. It’s just wrong. I’d complain, but who do I complain to? It’s all a big joke to this school.’ His humiliation weighed on him heavily. ‘They don’t have time for misfits like me and you,’ he sighed, defeated. ‘I can’t wait to leave this place.’
‘Ben,’ said Satya, barely listening to him, ‘you’re starting to worry me. What’s wrong with you?’
‘Well I feel like my head’s about to explode, so…’
‘Is it your diabetes or…’
‘Or embarrassment? What do you think?’
‘It isn’t normal. You’re trembling too much.’
‘Is any of this normal?’ he sighed. ‘Your friends are over there. If this gets back to your brother… I don’t want to think about it. If he sees us, he’ll kill me. No, but I’ll kill myself first. So maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s all it is: my anger, my fury. Fear.’
‘Well try not to think of it,’ she told him.
‘Don’t you think I would if I could?’
Ben tried hard to still himself and lessen their indignity. Perhaps blocking out the mocking faces over there would help, he thought, retraining his gaze. His eyes settled on the side of her head instead, on her long black hair and her skin, so smooth and flawless beside his blotchy acne. Briefly their glances met, and he was taken by the whites of her eyes, so bright and wide and lively. They carried a smile for him, but he gazed away discomfited. She smelt like the coming of spring, like hyacinths and honey and sandalwood oil, a sweet balsamic scent floating all around her. It carried him somewhere, far away from there, his shivers fading away.
‘I’m so sorry for dropping you in this,’ murmured Satya, eventually. ‘I’m sorry for going on at you. I should’ve stopped.’
‘It’s not your fault,’ he muttered back, ‘I shouldn’t have responded to that stupid woman. I know she was just trying to wind me up. I walked right into her trap. I’m always like this when I’m tired. Sarcastic git extraordinaire.’
‘She shouldn’t have said those things.’
‘She’s said worse before.’
‘That doesn’t make it okay.’
Ben glanced at her incredulously. ‘You have a lot to learn,’ he slurred, shaking his head, his thoughts all a jumble. ‘The lunatics have taken over the asylum,’ came his garbled diatribe, his words disjointed and incomplete, blurring into each other, as if his tongue had been pricked with dental anaesthetic. ‘He who shouts loudest wins. Survival of the fittest. It’s the law of the jungle. There is no right or wrong in this school. No, there is no good or bad in this town. There’s just one way: be a bully. That’s the only way to survive around here: to be a bully. It’s everywhere. The kids bully the teachers. The teachers bully the kids that aren’t bullies. The white kids bully the black kids. The Asian kids bully the white kids. Your dad bullies your mum. Your mum bullies her son. The son bullies his sister. Oh, and the whole school bullies the new girl. Yep, and so the new girl must find someone to bully too. But of course you know this. If she’s to survive, the new girl must also become a bully. And she must make sure everybody sees her, hears her. It’s all the same.’
The wordless silence that followed revealed one thing: that the boy had read her innermost thoughts and delved deep inside to surface her greatest regret. He had spoken a word of truth, declared those raw lamentations within, and it caused her great discomfort.
‘You’re right,’ she said in the end. ‘I’m so, so sorry I became that bully.’
‘Don’t be,’ he replied, ‘we’re all at it. It’s the way of the world.’
‘But it doesn’t have to be. We can change it.’
‘How?’
‘Maybe it starts with you and me,’ she whispered, looking at his face, too near to hers. ‘We could be friends. Couldn’t we?’ She thought for a moment. ‘I mean, if you’d like to be,’ she added, hazily. ‘I mean, I’d understand if you didn’t want to be after everything I’ve done. But I’d like it if we were. I’d like to hang around with you. If you’d let me.’
Ben did not respond but cast his eyes back across the pitch, watching as their teacher convened a match between two teams, one wearing red bibs, the other wearing green, demanding that they play with passion, and pass the ball, and look for gaps and opportunities, and work as a team, yelling at them at the top of her voice, her whistle always close to her lips.
‘Why won’t you say something?’ asked Satya mournfully, ‘Just tell me what you think. If you don’t want to know me, I’ll understand. Just say so and I’ll leave you alone.’
‘Well that is what I’ve been saying,’ he replied almost instantly, only to listen as Satya began to weep.
‘I know,’ she sobbed, ‘I’ve been horrible, but please, please give me a chance. I’m not like that. I just made a mistake. I was new here, I was confused. I didn’t know what I was doing..’
The boy pulled his gaze back to her, but his head was shaking. ‘Please, Satya,’ he sighed, ‘I can’t do this. And I don’t want it.’
‘But Ben…’
‘But Ben what?’ demanded Ms Carlton, startling her. ‘I’ve been watching you two,’ she told them, the left side of her mouth curling up towards her nose. ‘I said stand in silence, so what did you do? You ignored me, of course. But what’s new?’
‘I was just worried about him, that’s all,’ protested Satya, dropping away from him at long last, ‘Can’t you see his face? He’s clearly unwell.’
‘He always looks like that,’ she gibed.
‘No,’ said Satya, ‘he’s ill. He’s shaking like mad. His speech is all garbled. Look at his eyes. Even I can see there’s something wrong.’
‘And even I can see you don’t know that lard arse,’ she replied, silencing her with an outstretched palm. ‘I don’t need to be lectured to by a pretentious little shit like you, thank you very much. This may surprise you, but teachers weren’t born yesterday. We know every trick in the book. Every single god damn one of them.’ For a second, she gawked at the boy decisively. ‘You want to know why he looks like that?’ she asked. ‘That’s his guilt, eating him up,’ she declared, ‘because he’s a repugnant, horrible little boy who treats everyone like shit. Am I right or wrong?’
‘Yeah,’ muttered Ben, his eyes thrown far away from them. ‘She’s right,’ he said, ‘You saw it last week. That’s why you go your way, and I go mine.’
‘How opportune,’ laughed Ms Carlton, pointing across the pitch, ‘because that’s exactly what I had in mind for you. You’ll both give me twenty laps of the school grounds. Singh goes that way, clockwise. Johnson, the other direction. You’ll give me twenty laps, even if it takes you all night.’
‘I’ll do it,’ agreed Satya, ‘but not him. He’s not even dressed for it. Give him a break.’
‘Oh, don’t worry about me, Satya,’ Ben murmured, ‘I’ll do anything to get away from this stupid woman.’
‘Good,’ said Ms Carlton. ‘Then you can me give me forty laps instead. It should only take you five hours.’ Staring at him, she pointed over towards the garden fences covered in graffiti on the eastern edge of the field and sniggered at him. ‘Good luck,’ she scoffed at him as she sent him on his way, ‘And run, you stupid lard arse.’
‘Why are you being so mean to him?’ asked Satya, watching as he limped away, barely even attempting a jog.
‘Because unlike you, I’ve had two years of his crap,’ she bleated back at her. ‘Because I’m tired of this school giving him chance after chance when really he should’ve been chucked out years ago. Because I came into teaching to teach, not deal with mental kids who can’t keep it together.’
‘Maybe he just needs help,’ suggested Satya.
‘And maybe you just need to remember who you’re talking to,’ cried her teacher, raising her hand in the air, as if she intended to slap her. ‘Now go,’ she yelled. ‘Get going. Run!’
Setting off in the other direction, Satya ran as fast as she could towards the southern corner of the school grounds, to weave in and out around the tall bare trunks that stood guard of the long back gardens there. Following the trampled path between the saturated field and the weed-filled verge, she headed northwest for three minutes, then northwards towards the sixth form block, skirting its shabby buildings with a quick sprint. From there, she ducked through the gap between the art block and the secondary school and disappeared from view, the dilapidated collection of buildings shielding her from Ms Carlton’s brutal gaze. Were it not for the ambling one, she would have slowed down there, adopting a lazy pace, strolling on unseen, but instead, she cut right across the corner, desperate to meet him again. Running quickly, she caught up with him as he sauntered past the community gardens in the northeast corner of the field.
‘Are you alright?’ she asked him, drawing to a halt for just long enough to see that his face had turned purple. When he did not reply, she ran on, parallel to the vandalised fences, all the way back to the southern corner again. ‘One lap down,’ she gasped, commending herself as she set off on her next.
She did not run as quickly at first this time, but she was still perturbed that the boy had not yet appeared from the gap between the two sets of buildings. There was slow and then there was impossibly slow, she told herself, looking out for him. Although she already had a stitch, biting her just beneath her rib cage, she sped up again, her mind turning over, wondering what had become of him. Passing through the gap and on past the far corner of that ugly concrete block, she came to a standstill, gazing all around in the hope of finding him. It was as if he had vanished, she thought, edging forward cautiously. No, but he was over there, she rejoiced, spotting him up by the railings that bordered the avenue. Only, he was on his knees, bent over; from here it looked like he was praying, but as she approached she realised that he was in fact crying, his face awash with tears.
‘Hey,’ said Satya, sneaking up beside him, her eyes studying his miserable face, ‘What’s wrong?’
Hearing her, he turned away and took to rubbing his cheeks dry with his sleeve. ‘Nothing,’ he said, pretending that he was fine. ‘Just tired,’ he lied, picking himself up from the ground.
‘I saw you,’ she whispered, ‘you were crying.’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Nope.’
‘Tell me what’s wrong,’ she tried again.
‘Nothing’s wrong,’ he told her, and then he was off, deciding to break into a jog, at last, steaming away from her as fast as he could, around the bend, around the corner, and out of sight.
It was as she remerged from behind the school buildings and began heading southeast that she grew alarmed. Her companion was no longer alone but was hammering on with Ms Carlton at his heels, the obtuse woman yelling at him at the top of her voice. He seemed to sprint briefly, ducking away from her, but then he stumbled and tripped, jamming his hands over his ears to escape the shrill screech of her whistle. She shouted something else at him, but the wind carried the words away from the girl, who could only see him bending over, his hands stuck to his knees. Glancing at his teacher, he dropped onto the ground, choking and gasping for air.
‘Get off your fat backside,’ she cried, pushing her whistle back to her lips once more, only to watch as he did the reverse, collapsing onto the ground, half sitting, half twisted, his legs extended on the ground. ‘What the hell are you doing?’ cried the teacher, waving her arms.
That was when Satya decided to run to him, cutting straight across the field to crouch down at his side. ‘What did you do?’ yelled Satya, staring at the teacher barely eight years older than her. ‘I told you he’s not well.’
‘He’s just a lazy waster,’ the teacher replied, pushing her away.
‘He’s diabetic, you stupid cow,’ she bellowed by mistake, searching his eyes for some kind of reaction. ‘Look at the state of him. He’s covered in bruises. He didn’t get them while taking a nap, did he? I told you already: he was shaking like crazy just now.’ She gazed at her teacher with contempt. ‘That’s called being ill,’ she barked, ‘You could hear it in his voice. It’s not that hard to understand.’ Kneeling beside the boy, Satya waved her away. ‘Yeah, so I hope you lose your job too,’ she said, shaking the boy anxiously.
‘I’m fine,’ murmured Ben, only to drop his head onto the ground, drifting faintly, his vision blurred, his speech slurred.
‘I’ll get Mr Barker,’ Satya told him, returning to her feet.
As she hurried away, Satya watched how her teacher took her place, her skin suddenly pale and taut. ‘Come on now, Johnson,’ she heard her cry, shaking his body as she crouched down beside him, ‘don’t mess me about. Pull yourself together; don’t screw me over now.’ She shook him again. ‘Don’t do this,’ she barked at him, ‘Come on, Johnson, look at me.’
Desperately, the teacher agitated his body repeatedly, then wiped her own forehead with the back of her hand, then held her hands above her head, then tried tapping his cheeks. ‘Er, look,’ she said, calling after Satya, ‘go and get Mr Barker.’
‘What do you think I’m doing,’ she cried back at her.
‘Um, no. I want… What I want you to do… You need to get me… No, never mind, the school nurse. Call the school nurse.’
Glancing behind her, Ms Carlton saw half of her girls gravitate towards her, gathering around curiously to witness her strange hesitance. A crowd of boys soon joined them. Finally, Mr Barker appeared, pushing everyone out of the way.
‘I thought you told me there’s nothing wrong with Johnson,’ she bawled, berating her colleague angrily, ‘You could’ve told me he’s diabetic. We’re in deep shit.’
‘Correction,’ he said, nonchalantly, ‘you’re in deep shit.’
In place of his colleague, Mr Barker knelt down beside the boy and searched his eyes for signs of comprehension. ‘He’s not dying,’ he said, scolding her sourly, ‘He’ll survive.’ As he slowly helped Ben back to his feet, he stared at his colleague dismissively. ‘You’re in charge of my lot,’ he said to her, as he began to lead the boy back towards the sports hall. ‘And Singh Junior,’ he said, smiling at her benevolently, ‘you’re coming with me. Seems like he’s in good hands with you.’
‘Yes,’ said Satya, joining him, ‘he is. He’s stuck with me now.’
Did all of this have to happen, wondered Satya, for a smile to finally break on Ben’s lips? As they prepared to leave the medical room an hour and a quarter later—his hypoglycaemia brought under control by a carton of apple juice pressed to his lips—his face had strangely grown bright, his eyes restored. When she smiled at him, he smiled too. When she made the effort, so did he, his lips moulding into a gentle grin.
‘I have one pound fifty left,’ he told her, when the school nurse finally said he could go, the last of a series of forms completed. ‘What will that buy me?’ he asked. ‘I was so looking forward to my lunch today. It was going to be my first proper meal for three days. I decided to blitz a fiver on it, to have my fill. But it wasn’t to be. I should’ve said, inshallah like princess Noor.’
‘Don’t worry about that, Ben,’ she smirked, ‘I’ve got some change. I’ll get you something. I’ll walk you home.’
‘Your brother will be waiting for you.’
‘Sod my brother,’ she said.
‘Easier said than done. If he sees us…’
‘He won’t. He doesn’t wait if I’m late. Just relax.’
‘I shouldn’t,’ he muttered, as he sauntered along the corridor at her side, ‘But I… I suppose I’m indebted to you now.’
‘Don’t be daft,’ she replied kindly. ‘I just did what I had to do. I only wish you’d told me you were so hungry at lunchtime. I could’ve got you something. I would’ve if I’d known.’
‘You’ve done enough,’ he told her.
‘Too much, probably. Me getting involved with your friends didn’t help much.’
‘Not really. And now you have a black eye. For what?’
Satya rubbed her finger over the swollen skin, checking that it was still shrinking. ‘I just thought I’d explain what was going on,’ she told him, ‘I thought they’d understand.’
‘They don’t want to understand,’ he said, but then he gazed into the distance. ‘Not that it’s anyone’s fault except mine,’ he sighed, ‘I could’ve handled things better. For months, I mean. I’ve been heading this way for weeks. We were going to collide eventually. It was only a question of when.’
‘Have I really messed things up between you and Sid?’
‘You?’ he asked, releasing a chuckle, ‘No, I messed things up weeks ago. I’m not all that bothered, to be honest. I’m trying to change myself inside. I was already thinking I’d have to shake off bad company. I didn’t know how. Seems like it’s out of my hands.’
‘Divine intervention,’ suggested Satya humorously. ‘Don’t you think?’
Ben shrugged his shoulders. ‘Maybe,’ he muttered, ‘But more likely a skill I have. Alienating people.’
Pushing through the exit at the end of the corridor, they emerged onto an empty playground, only to stop at the sight of all the new puddles that had appeared since they went inside. What remained of the shower was not heavy, but the drizzle still perturbed the boy.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked Satya when he would not budge.
‘I don’t fancy another bout of hypothermia,’ he said.
‘But I saw you walking in the rain with Anjana last week,’ she said, beckoning him to follow after her.
‘Oh, don’t you start,’ he replied quickly, hanging back. ‘I’ve had enough of the smelly cold rain. Why do I always seem to get caught in a downpour? The story of my life.’
‘I like walking in the rain,’ enthused Satya, spinning around a couple of times.
‘No you don’t,’ mumbled Ben, ‘You’re just trying to be Anjana. But reality check: I’m not Aamir Khan and we’re not characters in some stupid movie on Zee TV. So let’s not go there, alright?’
‘You dissing my culture, innit?’ laughed Satya, teasing him. ‘No, but I agree. Let’s not go there. But…’ She glanced at him shyly. ‘But, let’s do it for the love of food at least,’ she suggested. ‘If I’m going to buy you something to eat, you’ll have to walk me to the shop.’
‘For food,’ he conceded finally, ‘I’ll do anything.’
‘I should’ve known,’ she sniggered, smiling at him, setting off with that strange boy in tow.
As he reluctantly wandered up the road at her side, trying his best to ignore the dampening mist which caused him to shiver, all sorts of thoughts assembled in his forehead, driving him to silence. For once, his hunger had vanquished his fear, sending it retreating back into the deepest abyss of his mind. The hollow in his stomach had to be filled, and urgently, his gut growling at him irascibly, threatening him with a detonation of sulphuric acid to scorch his chest and throat.
‘I didn’t want to talk to you today, Satya,’ he muttered as they arrived at their destination, taking a shopping basket at the door. ‘I asked princess Nora to tell you to leave me alone. I’m glad she didn’t. I was so angry before, but I think that’s almost left me. It’s been good for me. Talking to you.’
Satya smiled at him eagerly but said nothing, the buzzing neurons percolating through her synapses delivering a peculiar message to her heart. She stood now beside a stranger, so unlike herself: an overweight boy with atrocious acne and unsightly, blotchy sallow skin, all white and pink and red and blue. For months she had demanded that her family lend her an ear, not that weird-looking boy, with his heavy slouch, perpetual frown and awkward stuttering voice.
‘I’m glad you were stubborn and insisted,’ he told her, rubbing his forehead. ‘Yep, I’m grateful to you now. I needed this. My head was going to explode.’
‘Me too,’ she whispered, as she dropped a bunch of bananas and a bag of apples into their basket. ‘We were destined to be friends the moment you shoved me in the cleaner’s cupboard on my first day,’ she laughed. ‘Everything else was just a hiccup along the way. You have a companion for life in me.’
