Monday, 17 January 1994
She thought that if she smiled, he would smile too. She thought that if she made an effort, the corners of his lips might eventually turn, moulding into a gentle grin. But instead, when she encountered him, his eyes skipped away and his skin seemed to pull tense over his cheekbones, a scowl locked to his face. ‘Hi Ben,’ she tried when she saw him, but he stooped away, hands in his pockets, his eyes frowning painfully.
At lunchtime, she saw him again; she was sitting with Anjana and Siti Noor in the canteen when he walked past them with his lunch tray in hand. She gazed at him calculatingly, intent on catching his eye, hoping that he would change course and sit on the empty chair by her side. She gazed into his eyes, hoping that he would gaze back and suddenly escape from the melancholy gloom that consumed him. Instead, he wandered straight past, oblivious to her peeping gaze, and approached two long-treasured friends.
‘Hi,’ he said as he slid his tray onto their table, pulling a chair towards him, preparing to rest his legs.
‘Er, what are you doing?’ asked Sally, her eyes meeting Amanda’s, her head shaking from side to side, ‘Do you really think we want to hang around with you after what you did to Sid?’
He looked back at them, surprised. ‘Fine,’ he muttered, taking his tray again, ‘I’ll sit somewhere else.’
‘Good idea,’ said Amanda.
‘Freak,’ rejoined her friend.
He ambled on to the far side of the room, where he sat at a table on his own. He took a mouthful or two, swallowing awkwardly, but was soon on his feet again, switching to the other side of the table to escape his friends’ poison stares. With his back to the world, his eyes set on the wall before him, he hoped he would be able to stave his hunger without interruption. He took another mouthful, washing it down with his beaker of water.
‘I’m surprised you came in today,’ came a voice from just behind him, ‘It’s not like you. Usually, you run away. What’s the deal?’
Ben peeked to his left and found Lee standing beside him, gawking at him unsympathetically. He would ignore him if he could. Quickly he loaded his fork and lifted it to his lips, but he would not taste it, for Lee knocked it from his hand before the food even touched his tongue. In the next instant, the boy launched the tray off the edge of the table, scattering his lunch across the floor.
‘I’m talking to you, you dumb shit,’ he cried, slapping the tabletop beside him, only to stride away in hysterics.
‘Shall we do something?’ asked Satya, nudging her friend.
Anjana glanced across at Ben, watching as he tried to salvage his meal from the floor. ‘He’s okay,’ she said, returning to her conversation with Siti Noor.
Satya was not so sure. Tuning out from the tales of a weekend’s adventures, she looked on as Kevin arrived at Ben’s side.
‘So how does it feel to have no friends?’ he asked candidly, but the boy did not reply. ‘Say something, you freak. How does it feel?’ Ben seemed to look at him for a moment, but he said nothing. ‘Say something,’ yelled Kevin, grabbing one of Ben’s arms, only to spit a congealed mouthful of Bolognese sauce and phlegm in his face.
Utterly repulsed, Ben looked back at his old friend with watering eyes, the back of his hand smeared brown as he tried to wipe the revolting sludge away. ‘Piss off,’ he murmured tragically.
‘Is that all you can manage?’ laughed Kevin, elbowing him on the back of his head on his way past.
Abandoning his lunch, repulsed by the dirt from the floor that now seasoned it, Ben leapt to his feet and charged back across the room, hoping for an easy retreat. Yet it was not to be, for as he passed Sally on one side of a table, Amanda rose to her feet on the other, stepping out into his path.
‘Nothing ever changes with you, does it Ben?’ she cried, blocking him, ‘Still running away. Why don’t you stand up and fight?’
Ben tried to push past her but found Sally joining her, shifting from left to right whenever he moved. ‘Funny how you thought you were so big and hard last week,’ she laughed. ‘Now look at you. You can’t even cope with a couple of girls. Wow, Ben, you’re so hard.’
The boy would turn back to find another route out of the room but encountered Lee again instead.
‘You should’ve stayed at home, mate,’ Lee said, shoving him.
For a second Ben tried to push back, only to find himself flying into a table, scattering the chairs as he landed. Hitting his head on the corner, he looked back at them dazed.
‘What is it you don’t get?’ asked Lee, standing over him. ‘You thumped my mate,’ he said, ‘That was pretty stupid. Maybe you never realised, but we never really liked you. You’re a freak. We were only ever nice to you because of Sid. But look where that got him. You ungrateful cock.’
Returning to his feet, Ben looked at his assailants: a week ago they had been his friends, he thought. But now? There was no time to contemplate the answer, for Kevin had returned, splattering him with what remained of his own lunch, coating his skin and shirt with lumps of dark red sauce, simulating all the blood and gore of a Hollywood blockbuster. Moments later, he watched as his four companions strutted out of the canteen, laughing their heads off obnoxiously.
Reaching into the inside pocket of her jacket, Anjana retrieved a handkerchief, unfolded it, and almost rose to her feet.
‘Give it to me,’ said Satya, snatching it from her abruptly, insisting on tending to him instead. With a gentle approach, she sidled beside him and handed it over. ‘Just ignore them, yeah?’ she told him as he took it from her and began dabbing his face clean.
‘Don’t touch me,’ he said, driving her away.
As she watched him trundle from the canteen, she could not help but feel sorry for him. ‘What am I going to do, Anjana?’ she asked as she returned to her seat and sat down opposite her, ‘Will you tell him I’m sorry about the way I treated him?’
‘He already knows,’ she replied.
‘He’s cold with me.’
‘He needs time.’
Satya sank in her place, a terrible feeling rising within. ‘What can I do to make things up to him?’ she asked, looking at both of her friends in turn.
‘You just need to give him some space.’
‘But I’m so sorry, Anjana. I feel like he hates me.’
‘So what if he does?’ came Siti Noor’s irate words at last. ‘It’s not that important. The world doesn’t revolve around you. Maybe he has other things on his mind.’
‘Yes, but if it wasn’t for me…’
‘Don’t say it, Satya,’ said Anjana resolutely. ‘He doesn’t hate you. You don’t need to say sorry. He knows.’
She thought that her words would be enough but then watched as Satya flew to her feet, excited by a thought within. ‘I’m going to speak to Ben’s friends,’ she said hurriedly, ‘I’ll tell them what this is all about. Maybe they’ll understand.’
‘Don’t, Satya,’ sighed Anjana, ‘You’re out of your depth.’
‘No,’ she replied, ‘I will. I’ll tell them what happened.’
They could have stopped her had they really tried, perhaps, but they had already grown used to their friend’s impetuous stubbornness, which seemed to recur with ever-increasing frequency. Instead, they watched as she hurried away, throwing herself through the doors. She would tell Ben’s friends what had happened, taking the blame for his unexpected temper: with her explanation, she knew, they would suddenly understand and regret their actions. By the end of the day, they would all be mates once more, laughing it off as momentary blip in their long-standing relationship.
‘What’s going on with her today?’ asked Siti Noor, spying her through the window as she reappeared on the other side of it.
Anjana did not feel like responding, but her friend’s expectant gaze weighed on her. The stories of Siti Noor’s adventures had been so much more entertaining, while reality only depressed her. ‘She’s fulfilling my premonition,’ she replied glumly, close to a minute later.
‘Only because you’re letting her. You don’t have to.’
Anjana heaved a heavy sigh. ‘After we saw Ben on Friday, I hated her. It sounds bad, but I loathed her. All the way back to school it was yap, yap, yap. Just non-stop talk. It was all about her. And all about Ben. I hated her, Noor. On Saturday, I cried all day. From the moment I awoke until I went to sleep at midnight, I just cried and cried and cried. The moment we walked into his house together on Friday, I knew I’d lost him. When she sat next to him, I knew. And when she went on and on about her regrets all afternoon, I knew that was it. I could do nothing but weep.’
‘But you don’t have to sacrifice yourself, Anjana. Don’t be a martyr.’
‘Like you, you mean?’
Siti Noor smiled. ‘You know I only tease you, Anjana. Ben’s not my cup of tea. I want someone with good looks, a six-pack and lots of money.’ She burst into laughter at her own hilarity. ‘No, seriously, Anjana, I jest, but only just. Ben was not made for me.’
‘And nor for me,’ moaned her friend. ‘I awoke at about two on Sunday morning. I had the most intense dream I’ve ever known and suddenly I felt at peace. I don’t feel angry anymore. I’m not upset. I’m at peace. This is just something that has to happen. I’m resigned to it.’ She thought about it for a moment. ‘And anyway, I’d never be able to survive his family. Can you imagine Ben’s dad as a father-in-law? We’d live our whole life on the run.’
‘My sentiments exactly,’ agreed Siti Noor.
As they glanced back through the window, they could see that Satya was confronting Sally, her friends flanking her. It looked like a heated discussion and Satya looked surprised. Sally was shouting at her at the top of her voice; Satya was trying to reason with her, trying to make her see sense and calm down.
‘What do you think she’s saying?’ asked Siti Noor, wishing now that she had tried harder to call her back.
‘Whatever it was, it obviously didn’t go down very well,’ replied her friend, watching as Sally threw a punch at her and then tripped her, sending her stumbling to the ground.
‘Come on, let’s go,’ cried Siti Noor, leaping to her feet as Sally wrestled with her sadistically, ‘They’re smacking her.’
‘Leave her be,’ said Anjana gloomily, ‘She’ll be okay. She’ll survive.’
‘Is it revenge?’ asked her friend, returning to her seat perplexed.
‘No, not at all. I don’t wish it upon her, but it has to happen,’ she said, observing her harassed companion. ‘It has to happen if Ben is to forgive her.’
‘I thought you said he already had.’
That made her laugh. ‘Ben thinks she’s a cow,’ she said, ‘He thinks she has bad attitude. He can’t stand the sight of her.’
‘Then I’m completely baffled now, Anjana,’ replied Siti Noor, her eyes betraying her bewilderment, ‘What are you worried about then? Sod Satya. Be selfish. Get what you want.’
‘I’m on a journey, Noor. I’m seeking something bigger than this. I’m seeking a different reality. These are just moments that’ll pass. I don’t know, are they the pieces of some great jigsaw? I hope it’ll all make sense when I see the complete picture. I’m as mystified as you are, Noor, but I believe it’ll all make sense one day. I’m absolutely sure of it.’
Through the glass they could see that Sally had stopped fighting with their friend and was now standing up, shouting something at her. There was a final flash of rage between them and then Sally and her friends paced away, shouting obscenities back at her as they went. Satya appeared dazed, sitting on the ground rubbing her face, trying her best to hold back the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks. Siti Noor wondered if she ought to go out to comfort her, but Anjana held her back.
‘Act one,’ she said, watching as Ben appeared at Satya’s side, offering her his hand and helping her to her feet, ‘Scene one.’
