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Dear members,

We don’t often call other organisations out by name, but frankly the state of membership of the Biscuit Dunking Society is so perilous, so flaccid, so lax, that it merits us causing a humongous controversy for all to see, in order to increase the standing of our society in the eyes of the general public.

For the past few months, this dreadful organisation that nobody has heard of has been cavorting around, doing the most horrible things, and upsetting authentic dunkers everywhere. I’m talking, of course, about the wicked campaign led by liberal snowflakes and their anti-dunking supporters for the complete eradication of biscuits and their tins from kitchens nationwide: the “Progressive People’s Alliance Against Dunking and Dunkers”.

Now we hesitate to give this organisation the oxygen of publicity that they crave, because there is nothing worse than someone warning you about an organisation you had never heard of, giving them the oxygen of publicity that they crave, but on balance, we have decided to completely ignore that hesitation, as we think this is a populist cause we can really get behind and milk for all it is worth.

Unfortunately we have uncovered clear evidence that PPAADD has already begun infiltrating Biscuit Dunking Society meet-ups nationwide in their effort to replace Crunch Creams with salads, humous and beansprouts! While that may sound innocent, wrapped up as it is in the message of health promotion, it obscures a sinister agenda to stop real dunkers from submerging wheaty snacks in hot brown liquids.

Alarmingly, they have been working to implement their post-dunking paradigm shift by stealth for some time now, funded, we believe, by anti-obesity nazis. Before you know it, your Jammy Dodger will have been replaced by a carrot stick. Unconsciously, you will be dipping instead of dunking in no time. Before we know it, the next generation will be teaching their children to dip slices of pepper in a pale brown chickpea dunking medium. It doesn’t bear thinking about.

We never ask our members to share, like or comment on our posts, but in this case, please do. And please share this information as far and as wide as possible. By exposing this controversial cabal, which may or may not exist, we hope to increase our membership a hundred fold and become the foremost authority on dunking in the whole of south Bucks.

Thank you for taking this threat to our way of life seriously.

Bucks Biscuit Dunking Society inc.