12.30pm, Friday, 25 March 1994
He had no idea why he did it; it just happened. It was not in his nature to do such a thing, he told himself, as he stood before his adversary now, blocking his onward path. He had not meant to stop him when he saw him coming his way. He certainly had not meant to stand in front of him and stare into his eyes. All of these things had just happened, as if he was not a master of his own destiny. ‘I need to talk to you,’ were the words that had inadvertently slipped from his tongue. ‘It’s about your sister,’ he had added swiftly as if to compound his woes.
Sukhbir had glared back at him irately, shoving him backwards with his outstretched arms. ‘Oh aren’t you brave?’ he had cried irascibly, ‘Didn’t I tell you to stay away from her? I swear I’ll beat you to a pulp if I ever catch you with her again.’
Now he looked back at him motionless, and lost for words. He had planned none of this; there was no strategy to reinforce his bravado. ‘Don’t worry,’ he replied suddenly, articulating his incomplete contemplations, ‘you’ll never set eyes on me again after today. I’m leaving town. I’m out of here.’
‘You serious? Because of me?’
Ben had no idea how to respond, whether to confess to his terror or bluster on about nothing. ‘Ha! You’re the least of my problems,’ came his impromptu retort. ‘If only you knew how stupid you sound, chasing me away. Who am I after all?’
‘Like I don’t know.’
‘I’ll tell you something,’ muttered Ben, ‘your sister’s a gem.’ It felt strange having a conversation with Sukhbir, because usually there was no time for words. ‘She’s a real jewel in the crown, your sister. Maybe you don’t realise it, but it’s true.’
‘Ah, save it,’ grunted Sukhbir, trying to push him out of his way.
Never before had he fought back like this, obstructing his flight; never had he pushed back. ‘No,’ he said, ‘not this time. This time I speak, you listen.’
‘To you?’ laughed Sukhbir tetchily, ‘Why would I listen to a freak like you?’
‘Because nobody else will tell you the truth.’
‘Ah, get out of my way.’
‘No, not this time. You want to know what’s going on between your sister and me? Well I’ll tell you.’
‘Right before I snap your spine!’
Ben gaped back at him, peculiarly unmoved. For some reason, he no longer feared him; it was as if he had suddenly conquered an obstinate phobia, like that time he made peace with the scary house spider that shared his room. ‘Do what you like,’ he roared back at him. ‘I’m telling you anyway.’
‘How brave you are! Or how stupid.’
‘We’ll have to see, won’t we?’ He even stepped closer to his antagonist. ‘I’ll tell you that I was living with my dad and it was tough…’
‘And then my sister came along?’ sneered Sukhbir. ‘Save it. I’m not interested in your stupid sob story.’
‘Maybe it’s a sob story to you. To me, it’s just my life. But yes, sure: your sister came along, walked into my life…’
‘I see, so you’re not just stupid, but totally insane,’ shouted Sukhbir, raising his hand to him. ‘I suggest you get out of my way before I batter you.’
‘For telling you that your sister rescued me?’
‘Yeah, you go on telling yourself these lies.’
‘Lies? No, this is the truth: your sister hated me. You know that, don’t you? We’d been enemies since September, but she put it behind her and came to my aid.’ He stepped yet closer, pushing him backwards, his eyes reading Sukhbir’s for the first time in his life. ‘I was hungry, and she fed me…’
‘You know you’re not helping, don’t you?’ he cried back. ‘The more you say, the deeper the shit she’s in.’
‘What, for being a friend to me when I really needed it? For taking me on, just when all of my friends were dropping me?’
‘Are you seriously that naïve?’
‘Your sister saved me.’
‘You think so, do you?’ spat Sukhbir. ‘You won’t be saying that when I’ve finished with you.’
‘What, for telling you that your sister has a heart of gold?’
‘Like that’s what this is about!’
‘Well what else could it be about?’
‘You ask like what happened yesterday was all a figment of my imagination. Like I don’t know you’ve been running around with her for weeks. Like I don’t know what’s going on.’
Ben stared back at him, foundering awkwardly. ‘But there’s nothing going on,’ he stuttered.
‘Don’t treat me like a fool,’ Sukhbir growled back.
‘But you think I’m one? As if I’d chase after your sister. I’m not an idiot.’
‘That’s debatable.’
‘What, you seriously think I’d date your sister?’
‘That’s what it looks like.’
‘Well you’re wrong…’
Hearing him, Sukhbir’s face contorted to display both a humoured smile and enraged eyes. ‘I literally caught you together,’ he bawled. ‘Or are you going to tell me that was Aslan in your wardrobe having a panic attack?’
‘Yesterday,’ mouthed Ben, ‘that was the only time.’
‘The only time for what?’
‘I mean,’ stuttered Ben, ‘just…’
‘You really didn’t think this through, did you?’
‘It wasn’t what it looked like.’
‘Keep on digging, you prick.’
‘I didn’t do anything with her.’
‘Wow, you’re really helping yourself.’
Unsure of himself, Ben turned his gaze inward. ‘She was just trying to cheer me up,’ he offered.
‘Oh, I know. She looked so fine, didn’t she?’
‘I don’t mean that.’
‘You know that smell? That’s you, up to your neck.’
‘But it wasn’t like that. She was just trying to put a smile on my face. I needed a change of scenery. I needed an escape from my life. I wanted an escape, so she took me a thousand miles away.’
‘If only she’d left you there…’
‘I’m serious,’ said Ben, pleading him with his eyes. ‘I’d reached the end of the road,’ he told him determinedly. ‘Your sister just wanted to bring me back.’
‘Well now she’s in trouble because of you then, isn’t she?’
‘It seems like it. But you’re in trouble too, because she’s just about to do the same for you. That’s her heart of gold.’ Ben drove him backwards once more. ‘Just like she got it in her head that she had to do something to cheer me up, now she’s got it in her head that she has to be battered for you to love her.’
‘Oh, yeah, I know, I heard. That prick, Sid, told me the whole thing.’
‘And that’s all you can say?’
‘Pretty much, yeah.’
‘But why? Don’t you care about your sister at all? Look at her. She’s not saying sod you. She’s not saying she doesn’t care what you think. She’s saying she cares absolutely.’
‘Read my lips, you freak. I know. I know what she’s thinking, and she’s right. I’ll join them.’
‘But… but why?’ begged Ben. He hated this boy; he hated everything about him. ‘If I had a sister like Satya, I’d cherish her. I wouldn’t treat her like you do. I’d defend her against even the slightest assault.’
‘I am defending her,’ yelled Sukhbir, ramming him backwards at last. ‘I’m defending her from you!’
‘If that’s you defending her…’
‘What do you know about me?’ bellowed Sukhbir. ‘Nothing! All you know is some racist shit you made up in your head. You haven’t got a clue what this is about, have you?’
‘I know enough.’
‘Tell me then. Explain it. Because obviously you know nothing at all.’
‘I know your sister deserves better treatment.’
‘Better than what? I’m the one who literally puts the clothes on her back these days. There’s nothing I don’t do for her. I do everything for her. But I guess she never told you that, did she?’
‘She thinks she can’t do a thing right with you.’
‘She’s right. She can’t.’
‘But why?’
‘Because my mum and dad treat her like she’s this perfect little angel who’s destined to save us all. And my job? Security. That’s all I am. My sister’s minder. Yeah, so excuse me if I don’t join your chorus of praise. She’s not a gem, she’s not a star, she isn’t special.’ Sukhbir nodded his head assuredly. ‘No, she’s just an arrogant know-it-all.’
‘So you’re just going to leave her to it?’
‘A few birthday bumps are the least of her worries,’ scoffed Sukhbir. ‘I already told her that if my dad doesn’t deal with her for what she did yesterday, I’ll do it myself. So, no, I think I’m just going to laugh my head off.’
‘Then you’re an idiot,’ cried Ben. ‘A serious fool,’ he added, elbowing him away. ‘I’m leaving school for your sister today. I mean, I’m not coming back. I had a dream, but… well it’s over, isn’t it?’ Jostling with him, he propelled him against the wall. ‘That’s my sacrifice. Stupidly I thought, now it’s your turn.’
Yes, he hated Sukhbir, he reminded himself, but he no longer feared him. ‘I’d never forgive myself if I treated her the way you do.’ He hoped for some compassion, for the tiniest speck of humanity. ‘Repair your relationship with your sister. Cherish her. That’s what she deserves. Not this vile contempt.’
‘Contempt? Tell that to her. She’s the one who treats the rest of us like we’re idiots. Nothing’s ever good enough for her. This conversation just proves it.’ Pushing past Ben, Sukhbir spat out a wisp of laughter. ‘So, yeah, you can get out of my way. This is going to be hilarious.’
‘Then you’re an idiot,’ cried Ben. Lurching forward, he shoved Sukhbir backwards with all his might, sending him tumbling over a fire extinguisher, legs splayed. He would not wait to watch him recover, but would race away from him as fast as he could instead, charging from one side of the school to the other.
‘Cue your white saviour moment,’ hissed Sukhbir aloud, picking himself up from the floor. ‘Go on then, you freak, run to her. Save my poor sister from the wicked brown man. Go and save her.’
Ben drew to a halt and glanced back at him.
‘Struck dumb?’ guffawed Sukhbir. ‘Yep. My sister has a white knight come to save her. How wondrous, how fine. Save us from ourselves, save us!’
‘You shit,’ yelped Ben.
‘What? Lost your confidence? Don’t let me stop you. Do what you have to do, you freak. We all know how this story ends.’
Shuffling back towards his foe, Ben scowled at him. ‘I came to tell you to do something. You refused. Funny that, isn’t it? The self-declared number one defender of Asian girls everywhere can’t even defend the honour of his own sister. What a prick you are! Too busy defending the honour of girls you don’t even know, and have never spoken to, because of some rumour you’d heard, which wasn’t even true. Too busy sticking your nose in where it’s not wanted to notice what’s right under your nose. Number one dickhead, I say.’
‘Shut up, you freak.’
‘Can’t take the truth?’
‘You think that’s the truth? That it was about honour, like I’m some fanatic in some crappy Panorama documentary? Are you really that thick?’
‘I’ve just touched a nerve, that’s all.’
‘Not at all.’
‘Of course I have. Because I’ve exposed you. You’re a fraud. All this time you’ve told yourself you did something totally bodacious, defending the dignity of some girl you didn’t even know and didn’t even care about…’
‘You’ve exposed me? You’re the one who’s been exposed. Yeah, as a stupid racist dickhead, so totally clueless…’
‘Turns out you just did it to put fatso in his place. To show everyone what a big strong man you are. You’re addicted to the adrenalin and violence, just like my dad.’ Ben scoffed at him. ‘You don’t even know what you’re defending anymore. Neither does he. You’re so alike. You’re protecting your sister by beating her up. What a total prick you are. A real shit.’
‘Listen, you freak, get this through your thick racist skull: I’m not some religious fanatic. That was for you. Just you.’
‘What was?’ spluttered Ben.
‘What I did to you. You’re right. I did it to put you back in your place. No, but not fatso. You know who. You know who you are.’ Sukhbir glared at him. ‘I know all about your family.’
‘My family?’
‘Don’t you think I know who your dad is? I know every single member of that band of fascists you call your clan. Your uncles, your cousins: I know them all.’
‘What are you on about?’
‘What, you’re blind as well as dumb? What do you think I’m on about?’
‘I’m not responsible for their actions.’
‘Oh, I know that’s what you think. Yep, you thought you could get with someone who looked like my sisters, like you owed us nothing. No remorse, nothing. Up yours. That’s what you said.’ Sukhbir scowled at the boy standing much too close. ‘Your entire family has spent literally decades racially abusing mine, and I was meant to let it pass? No, no way.’
‘That’s bullshit.’
‘Not at all. I was defending my family. Yeah, from yours. Do you get it now? I know exactly who your cousins are. They’re the ones I caught racially abusing my sisters.’ Releasing these thoughts felt therapeutic, Sukhbir thought, his bitter reproach unmistakably cathartic. ‘You owed my family an apology. What did you do instead? You started running around with an Indian girl.’
‘She was my best friend!’ roared Ben.
‘That wasn’t your right.’
‘Her mum was my mum’s best friend too,’ bawled Ben. ‘Yeah, but you wouldn’t know that, would you?’
‘Don’t lie. You’re all fascists.’
‘Tell that to my mum. She’s never forgiven me for what I did, because of you.’
‘You deserved it.’
‘Really? And what about her?’ he cried. ‘You destroyed my relationship with my best friend.’
‘Ah, save it,’ spat Sukhbir.
‘I’m not talking about your sister. I’m talking about my soulmate. I hate you for that, from the bottom of my soul. I should never have listened to your threats. I should’ve been brave. I should’ve stood up for her.’ He stared at the boy. ‘Yeah, I should’ve had this conversation with you then. I should’ve told you where to stick it. I should’ve fought for her. Yeah, well, better late than never. This time I resist. You won’t get away with it this time. I promise you that.’
Perhaps he had reached him now; perhaps they were there. No, but it was futile. ‘Nah, mate, you’re outa here, remember,’ came Sukhbir’s scornful retort. ‘And so am I. Gotta go.’
That was it then, thought Ben, watching as his foe ran away excitedly, slamming a door on him for good measure. That was it: his defeat. Sukhbir had won.
