Friends call me, concerned. “What’s happened to you? Have you become a recluse again? You’ve dropped off social media. We don’t see you on WhatsApp anymore. Are you okay?”
It’s true; I have withdrawn from social spaces lately. I’m not engaging with my community. I suppose I have been distracted by both the mundane and the weird. The mundane: we have two teenagers in the house now, so have entered turbulent times. The weird: strange discoveries, which have slightly thrown me.
And, true, I’m not quite as stable as I’d like to make out, pretending that those winter blues have left me. In reality, I swing between two poles constantly: sometimes generous and forgiving, sometimes bitter and blue. The former is the better state, that I yearn to become my norm.
Above all, I’ve been working through thoughts and feelings long displaced by this project called “raising children”. I have been pondering all that brought me here, which I admit is quite hard. Reflecting on that humiliating diagnosis — barely shared with anyone before — has knocked me back, for it coloured and informed so much.
But, really, I’m fine. Thanks for asking. Just preoccupied and distracted, and rather bored and burnt-out. Still, we have travels planned, our first return in four years. Hopefully I will be able to reboot and recharge. Hopefully a change of scenery will bring me back down to earth.
Last modified: 2 July 2022
