folio

Generally, I don’t work very hard at work.

Sometimes I do, naturally. If I have a deadline, or feel particularly engaged by a project.

But, by and large, I am often distracted. To such an extent that I honestly feel undeserving of my salary.

Those around me, though, don’t see it that way. They have no idea how I feel.

Indeed, I have to ask: would anyone at work notice if I were totally incompetent?

My colleagues treat me like I’m a genius, but really I’m just helpful. If someone has a question, I’ll go out of my way to answer it.

Because of this, people never appreciate how disengaged I am most of the time.

And this, of course, compounds my sense of guilt because I’m the least deserving of praise amongst them.

Is it because I’m an ill-fitting part? Or because I’m understimulated or overwhelmed?

Or is it just something out of my control that I just can’t help? Somehow linked to the peaks and troughs that define my life?

I wish I knew. Most of all, I wish I knew the cure for this invisible struggle.