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I know my social gaze is problematic. For the past twelve years, I’ve resolved the issue by working from home and generally only socialising with those I trust.

But now we have two adolescents in our midst who remind me daily that my gaze is broken. “Why are you staring?” they bark if I happen to glance at them momentarily.

Yes, I know, there’s something wrong different in how I operate in the world, be this social perception, communication, or sensory processing.

So far, I’ve not found a way to resolve these issues. My fix: avoidance, pure and simple. Don’t go out into the world, unless from a safe distance, like via a webcam across a conference call.

At university, a fellow Masters student became convinced I was an awful racist as a result of my gaze avoidance. But the real reason I was gaze avoident was because I thought she was quite beautiful. A common theme, it turns out.

So much conflict through the years because my eyes either lingered too long, or because they avoided eye contact altogether. There are probably subtle social cues I miss altogether.

Sadly, I don’t know how to fix this. Those I have asked tell me there’s nothing wrong with my gaze at all. And yet I know from experience that it has long sparked conflict.

So all I am left with are apologies to those I may have upset through the years. Sorry if my eyes told you something I never intended. If only we had spoken to one another.

Oh, like that university student with whom I eventually became good friends, once she realised I was just a bit shy and socially awkward, and not an awful racist after all. It’s good to talk.