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I am having a morning I can only describe as “scattered” triggered by two interactions.

The first, a training session first thing. I was the trainer, providing an interactive session via video call.

The learner was based in a noisy office, and kept accidental leaving their microphone open, resulting in me completely losing my train of thought.

Eventually, I had to explain what the issue was, after which they were more considerate in muting their microphone between questions.

Only, then a background commotion began on my end, sending my thoughts into further disarray, ruining what had started out as an effective training session.

How can I explain to others what has only recently occurred to me, after a lifetime of this? That I have some kind of auditory processing problem, which constantly steals my focus mid-conversation?

Some, like my student, are accommodating once I explain, making reasonable adjustments like muting themselves. Others, like family, not accommodating at all.

Which brings me to the second interaction: the frequent accusation that I am staring at people, though I don’t think I am and don’t mean to. If anything, I think I am naturally gaze avoidant.

But this is not how others seem to perceive me. Instead, I am frequently blasted for my interactions, which causes me to withdraw even more.

Both of these have sent me tumbling into those self-conscious blues once more. Why am I always so misunderstood?

I’ve got to the point where I sometimes don’t even bother trying anymore. Every time guests have visited us recently, I’ve said hello, then immediately excused myself, usually taking refuge in my work.

The question is, are these real issues, or am I just imagining it? Is my behaviour normal or not? Just as I am pondering all this, my wife knocks on the door, and I feel moved to share what’s on my mind.

To which she responds: “I’ve never noticed that in the twenty-three years we’ve been married. You have a lovely gaze.” And as for dealing with noise: “I’m exactly the same!”

I honestly don’t know if I am normal or not. But I really wish I knew. These my scattered thoughts.