folio

We feel we’re failing. But the reality is most people caring for an elderly relative with dementia feel this way.

Support is available. I should know this better than anyone, for my portfolio includes a website signposting help for carers.

It’s more complicated in our case, though, as the one in need does not have residency, so has no right to most services, and can only stay in the country six months at a time.

But at least we could access support if we needed to. Caring is a fulltime job, all day, every day. I try to play my part, helping, but it’s not always possible due to work commitments.

For my wife, it is taking its toll. The stresses feel relentless. Residing in a different country, responsibilities cannot be shared with relatives. We’re on our own.

So I spend my time counselling her with all of the self-help information I publish online for work, recommending actions to improve self-care.

This morning, mindfulness and meditation, and taking steps to improve her sleep, so she’s at her best in her waking hours. And some practical support: I’ll make breakfast to let her have a lie in.

In some senses, we’re the lucky ones. We can afford to live on one salary. We’re not worried about the financial implications of providing fulltime care. If we still had a mortgage or rent to pay, these stresses would be multiplied.

Even so, it’s not a job for the faint-hearted. It is a real test of patience and compassion. Hence that recurring feeling we’re failing. It’s like having another child in the house, fully dependent on others, unable to explain their actions.

It is in these realities of life that our resolve is really tested. There is the kind of person we aspire to be — some kind of embodiment of the character of faith — and then there is our reality.

Daily it occurs to us how far short we fall. We’re angry with ourselves, because we don’t seem to reflect the light of faith at all. Our Book reminds us that God is with those who are patient, but we can’t even claim that.

May God grant us patience, compassion and help, and not let us fail this test.