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There is an erroneous assumption I encounter amongst Muslims — even amongst apparently learned Muslims in teaching positions in the community. It manifests in them using the term gora interchangeably with non-Muslim, or more precisely with people presumed to have degenerative ethics. Their assumption seems to be that many of us were raised in the gutter, devoid of a moral compass. Of course, often the opposite is true.

But erroneous assumptions cut both ways. In my youth, I assumed that early Muslim friends had morals very similar to mine, raised as I was in a strict Christian family. I assumed we were subject to the same expectations of conduct in respect of personal relationships. The first time it occurred to me that I was deeply mistaken was on the day we parted company.

In truth, how we each behave has a lot to do with our upbringing and the expectations of our families. Many a young Muslim is fully assimilated into the surrounding cultures, or if not, may be in the throes of a full rebellion against family mores.

Whenever I hear an imam or community alim use the term gora as they do, I just think to myself: “Extract your head from the sand!” Or from wherever else it may be lodged. I mean, “Wake up!” Out there, all around them, young men of their community are being sucked into a lifestyle very far from the ethics and norms they preach.

I will never know what words came out of the mouths of those early Muslim friends on my behalf. All I can say with any certainty all these years later is that our erroneous assumptions about each other were mutual. I thought they were paradigms of virtue and they thought I was the very opposite.

For them, I was the generic gora who might assist their rebellion against restrictive parents. Little did they know that my own upbringing was far more demanding than theirs. A realisation that came to the fore the first and only time I went to a nightclub with them. In fact, we resided in completely different worlds.

In life, it turns out I have often been mistaken about my interactions with others, as have they with me. There are those strangers who make assumptions about how you came to meet your wife, or how you became a Muslim, or why your children look as they do.

What could I say to those teachers of religion that still use the term gora or gori for people apparently deserving of scorn? For myself, I would point out that we were raised to be mindful of God, to live upright lives and pursue honourable relationships sanctified by marriage.

Perhaps if they got out more, and mixed with a wider variety of people, they might come to a greater understanding of the people that surround them. But then, I suppose, that may challenge deeply held beliefs, sending them scattering into disarray. In truth, few would countenance challenging erroneous assumptions, for ignorance is forever bliss.