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My lack of verbal fluency has stifled me in many areas of life, but most notably in education and employment. One of the reasons I took up writing — and write so much — was to compensate for that deficit. Looking back on all I wrote fifteen years ago, I acknowledge that I wasn’t a very talented writer. No, but it was a means of self-expression.

If I can identify one thing that has hindered my career progression, I would centre on that absent linguistic proficiency. A lack of self-confidence would come a close second, but that in itself I think is deeply rooted in the former. Not only do I not have the gift of the gab, but even in the most ordinary of conversations I am likely to eventually retreat back into myself, my words trailing off.

I am not an impressive verbal communicator. In certain environments, with certain people, when animated by a certain topic, I can speak unimpeded and perhaps even seem convincing. But mostly my thoughts are disjointed, my train of thought likely to be lost mid-sentence. To this day, I still struggle to maintain interesting conversations with my parents and siblings.

It’s not that I am mute — although it may seem that way in certain social situations. It’s more the presence of that persistent fog of the mind, as I grapple to find the right words, or any words, to express myself or interact with others. I could say that things are improving, in some circumstances, such as in my narrow field of expertise. Perhaps, one-to-one, I may even convince others that I’m an expert.

Self-understanding helps in coming to terms with and addressing these deficits. Though I have written a heap of words over the years about my frustrations with a tongue that will not submit to me, it is only in the last couple of years that I have finally been able to understand that it most likely has its roots in my actual physiology. That developmental delays and difficulties were actually related in some way to the presence of that extra chromosome, and not purely a choice I made, or some kind of lazy reluctance to interact with the world.

Acknowledging and understanding this reality, I hope, may be a step towards addressing the issue in some way. On the one hand, I may simply have to accept that my verbal incoherence will limit my career progression. Nobody wants a head of service who cannot express themselves properly, after all. But on the other hand, this understanding may help me to access interventions or coaching that can help me minimise its impact. The what and how, the great unknown.