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It’s so easy to become unduly despondent as a result of comparing yourself to others, and so be knocked off course. Here we understand the wisdom of that saying:

Look at those below you and not those above you, for it’s the best way not to belittle the favours of God.

Hadith

How true. If we consider those less fortunate than ourselves, struggling with life, we are more likely to say alhamdulilah.

If we only look at those apparently above us in accumulating wealth, with greater status, or worldly success, then we will likely overlook our own blessings, and thus become ungrateful.

The latter has become my own great test the last few years, whereas in earlier times I was more content with all I had. Back then, I had no real desire to pursue the world at all. I don’t know why or what caused that to change.

Indeed, in the early days along this path, my companions used to say of me, “He’s one who practices zuhd.” Perhaps that was just a misconception, based on my appearance, or my threadbare clothes.

In any case, I think all would agree that it’s no longer the case, as my melancholic writing over recent years has made plain.

If once I was content in my status, in recent times I have begun to lament it, considering myself a complete failure. What ingratitude for God’s incredible generosity, oblivious to the reality that both the outward and inward have been bestowed by design.

No calamity occurs on earth or in yourselves without it being in a record before We bring it into being. This is certainly easy for God. So neither grieve over what you have missed, nor boast over what He has granted you. For God does not like the arrogant, boastful.

Quran 57:22-3

I don’t know where this worry and agitation of mine has come from, other than from the high expectations of friends and family, against whom I could never hope to compete. Sometimes those interactions cause me to conclude that I have failed my family completely.

But isn’t it now time to set another measure for myself: to recall what I was once seeking? I had modest ambitions way back in my youth.

All I want, I’d say to those who would ask, is to return to God in a good state. Perhaps I should rekindle those aspirations, if the Most Merciful wills, and then set my heart at ease.