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If I were to explain to others how I have been feeling the past year, it would be as if I am emerging from a tunnel, deep underground, only now discovering that the landscape on the surface has completely changed.

This the effect of reacquainting myself with peers after a quarter of a century apart. One of them, an old friend from university who in the timeframe of my persistent mediocrity, has moved on from international managing partner of a top tier international law firm to a strategic role pushing his company into new markets in the east.

Of course, he always was a high flier, but the same applies to almost all I once knew, many of them raised in deprived socio-economic circumstances, who have blasted ahead to the top of their respective fields, whether in law, accountancy, technology or healthcare.

This realisation has been a shock to the system, as I reemerge from obscurity, twenty-five years on, to take stock of my own status. How is it that I have been left so far behind by my peers, achieving nothing much at all?

The past year has, perhaps, provided some answers to that question, notably increased understandings of the effect of a chromosome disorder I learnt I had nearly twenty years ago, but which only this year I have begun to explore. Why such a delay? Perhaps because I was struggling with practical considerations for the first decade from diagnosis: first attempting to secure worthwhile employment, then becoming engaged in the adoption process, then raising a young family.

I have been fully engaged the past decade in a developing career and in raising our children. Oh yes, and with the mischief of my soul. And in any case, I considered the chromosome disorder such a humiliating diagnosis that I found it easy to ignore, pushing it far from my mind. I didn’t want to be reminded of it, nor to address it.

But I suppose recent encounters have forced me to confront it anew, as all of a sudden it becomes patently clear that in comparison to my peers, I have achieved little in life. Certainly, compared to my siblings, and my parents before us, and their parents before them, what I have achieved in life is like dust. More humiliation, right there.

So what have these explorations surfaced this year? That far from just affecting fertility (that in itself an emotional bombshell), the chromosome disorder is commonly associated with neuropsychological impairment, effecting psychological wellbeing, notably learning issues and social challenges. In repeated studies, many with a late diagnosis report having struggled at school, leading to feelings of inferiority, low self-esteem and depression, and resulting in lower socio-economic outcomes in later life.

Numerous studies find the diagnosis associated with learning problems, often related to language and executive function, with no significant improvement in cognitive performance even as a result of hormonal interventions post-diagnosis. The result: some studies suggest there is a higher risk of men with the diagnosis achieving a lower level of education and being unemployed than in the general population.

Of course, all of these studies have significant bias, in that researchers can only survey those presenting with a diagnosis. If, as is commonly reported, only 25% of men with the condition are ever diagnosed, we can’t possibly conclude that the above phenotypes are common or present in all. Nevertheless, in all that I have read this year, I have drawn remarkable parallels with my own life experiences to date.

So here we are: at this late stage in the day, in my mid-forties, two decades into what should be an illustrious post-university career, finally understanding what may have impacted my progression. And so here I am reflecting: can I, at this late stage, reset and repair? Can I get back on track? Can I put myself forward to catchup with my peers? Or do I just have to content myself with my station in life, which for all intents and purposes provides us moderate comfort?

Perhaps, more to the point, can I reset and repair? Can I overcome those deficits in self-confidence which prevent me from putting myself forward for new opportunities? With increased understanding of the self, and with the obstacles I may have faced in the past, can I actually now take steps to raise my status, and achieve greater things? Or am I stuck with my foggy mind, forever undermining my ability to assert myself in work and social environments?

Here the challenge I will set myself in the year to come, inshallah. To seek, with God’s aid, to reset and repair, and perhaps then realign.