By now, it should be clear that I constantly oscillate between poles. Mercy, forgiveness, regret, remorse on one side. Bitterness, anger, contempt, self-pity on the other. It’s a battle to remain merciful, as we’re called to. It’s a struggle to remain contrite, holding oneself to account.
Sometimes that bitterness wins, holding sway, causing me to splurge my rancour onto the page. Momentarily, anyway. “You were wronged!” come those inner declarations, remembering the tales of a friend, long afterwards. But in the end, I still don’t know if that was true. And even if it was, decades have passed since then.
So the pendulum swings the other way once more, forcing me to retract my egotistical words, and remember my pledge to forgive and forget, and to think the best of all involved, and to remember them daily in my prayers, to ask for the best for them in all of their affairs. And so this is what I do, hoping for the best for them, for now.
Perhaps we will hold the pendulum for a while now, intent on imagining all of the subsequent imagining to be true. Perhaps one day my heart will settle, my ego tamed, my pride diminished. Perhaps one day, my words will be true: I forgive you. Please forgive me too.
Last modified: 28 November 2022
