This is the best way I can describe how my head feels much of the time. It has affected me my entire life, which probably explains my inability to advance my career. It feels like a weight right at the front of my forehead, which grasps my train of thought mid-sentence and throws it to oblivion.
A few years ago, my father asked me how long I had been having the short-term memory blackouts that were becoming ever more apparent back then. I told him I couldn’t remember, which made everybody laugh. But the reality is that it has afflicted me for as long as I really can remember.
I pondered on it again just now, because in the space between activating a function in my current project, I completely forgot what I was going to do next. Alas, this is all too common. Unless I have total concentration, and no interruptions, I will frequently lose my train of thought. I suppose that is why I work alone for long periods of time, only to emerge at the specification and hand-over stages.
I probably make myself sound like a total recluse. I’m not. I have grown in confidence as the years have passed by, and generally work well with others. But there is no escaping this fog which descends on me so often, particularly when contemplating new opportunities. I realise I will probably be stuck in this role for life now, unable to move on.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I generally enjoy my job, and we have managed to find a lifestyle which fits into my level of pay. No huge outgoings, a modest home, living within our means. If we weren’t, this predicament would be more burdensome. Alhamdulilah for our barakah.
As for my social life. Well, my intellectual friends have just had to get used to me, as the disengaged one in conversation, unable to articulate sentiments in good time or contribute anything new. Its why I’ve taken to writing at length instead, because only my typing fingers seem to have any fluency at all. As for social gatherings: I avoid them if I can. I can’t do smalltalk, only immature jest.
Such is life with this brain fog which descends daily. It’s like a perpetual numbness that never leaves. Not really a pain, just a weight. Every day is the same.
Last modified: 28 November 2022
