folio

How to make amends for the mistakes of the past? In reflective mode, I have been writing a lot of apologies lately, to those I could at least reach. But what of those lost along the way?

I joined a social network for professionals last week in a desperate attempt to rediscover some of my alumni friends of old. On the first day, I came across a lovely chap I have not seen in 22 years. We picked up conversation as if it was just yesterday. It took another four days before I happened upon another old friend, whom I have wanted to properly apologise to for the same length of time. In the end, I had no courage to apologise after so long. Raking up the past just didn’t seem right, but relief came with their greeting: “So nice to hear from you… I recognised you right away.” There was a smiley face on the end. Perhaps my penitence is not needed, already forgiven, or forgotten.

But there are others with whom I feel I must still make amends, even if a quarter of a century has now passed. Ah, but alas, I cannot even remember their names. This absence of mind is probably mutual: no doubt they would not remember my name either, or even recall my existence, and after all these years would have no idea what I am talking about. But still it is written in sijjeen, a record to be opened on an awful day. I still travel back in time to those awkward days in my dreams. They cause discomfort within, for I fear one day I will be asked about them again, and those I wronged will glance back at me accusingly, demanding their rights.

So it is that I search and search again for those lost along the way, with whom I must make amends. Perhaps it is a futile quest, but how else to achieve peace within? No, more than that: how to prepare for that fearsome day?

Or am I just veering towards insanity?