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Believing in Islam

I had wanted to speak with my family before coming to my conclusion. After all, if I am honest, this whole search for God had come about as a result of not wanting to be alienated from my family through my disbelief, as indicated by the quotations I presented at the beginning. As it happened, I came to my conclusion first and then mentioned it to my parents. I spoke to my mother on the telephone and then sent a letter to both of them the following day. Their response was naturally one of upset and they encouraged me to give it some more thought, to discuss it with my uncle who had or was doing a Masters in Islamic Studies. I felt duty bound to do so and returned to that Christian website devoted to their view of Islam. This rocked my certainty to some degree, but I had started praying five times a day by then and persevered. I believe I have always been fairly open-minded and I believed I should continue so to be, hence my continued diet of Christian reading material on the subject. This disturbed some of the Muslims with whom I was now praying who heard me asking about one polemic or another. I don’t know if they understood how the decision to embrace Islam would affect my relationship with my family. But for me personally, this was a matter I could never take lightly. I knew the hurt and offence this decision would create, and I was so, so scared by it.

For a long time I kept my new faith secret from everyone in my family except my parents, for I feared embarrassing them. Throughout the summer of 1998 I worried about going home because I didn’t know how I would handle my new diet. I didn’t want to give my secret away. What would I do if someone put pork on the table? I wasn’t sure if chicken was acceptable to me, for although I knew that the meat of the Jews and the Christians was allowed, I didn’t know if this included meat not slaughtered in the traditional manner. When I went to visit my maternal grandmother I became a vegetarian. As for my paternal grandmother and our uncle and aunt on that side of the family, I kept it a complete secret. However, despite treading very carefully for two and a half years, my grandmother let me know that they had all known about my interest in Islam since my failure to turn up for the family lunch on Boxing Day 1998. Finally in 2000, I knew I would have to reveal my new faith to my other grandmother, for I had arranged to drive her up north for Christmas. I would be fasting for Ramadan and I knew I could not hide that from her, so an explanation was in order. I told my middle brother quite early on what I believed because he was asking me why I wasn’t attending All Souls’ any more and I felt duty-bound to tell the truth. He told me that he looked forward to meeting my four wives. I don’t think I ever formally told my eldest brother or my sister; they gathered from my Christmas conduct. Personally, I was struggling with how to conduct myself in relation to my family as a Muslim. The first year I had suggested that perhaps I would not go home for Christmas, given that it coincided with Ramadan. I mentioned something about the commercialisation of the festival and how my family might consider donating any money that would be spent on my present to the shelter for the homeless in Hull. Nevertheless, my father encouraged me to come home and so I agreed to. I did not, and still do not, find it easy to balance my faith with my family life. I fear upsetting my family on the one hand and disobeying God on the other. Neither can be taken lightly and it is just plain difficult. My mother comments in her essay:

Tim … made clear his disapproval of various aspects of our home-life (e.g. drinking of alcohol) and those of his siblings, and when he came home, he resented having to join in with family plans which made it difficult for him to pray at the prescribed times, was upset if we went to the pub for a meal, and when Ramadan coincided with Christmas would not eat until the evening. This made family members resentful and again reduced the possibility of good communication.

My discomfort with these things was not the fruit of malicious intent, but rather the outcome of my inability to strike the right balance and, indeed, I still do not know the correct way to approach the issue. On becoming Muslim, one does not suddenly acquire knowledge of all things. Rather, there is a process of learning, of making mistakes, of reading, of relearning things you misunderstood first time round and of generally grasping a way. Nevertheless, I acknowledge the resentment this caused and how it built up barriers rather than knocked them down. I recall while studying in Stirling how I felt hurt when my eldest brother came up to see me and my sister in St. Andrews and then proceeded to take us on a tour of various local public houses in the town. I was uncomfortable with this, but I thought that my objection would create animosity between us.

The issue is one of context. For my family the issue could have been that I was still insisting on living as a Muslim, inconsiderately ignoring the fact that they are Christians with different aims and likes. Meanwhile, my context at the time was that I was feeling isolated amongst a group of students where the height of daily conversation was pub culture and I desperately needed companionship on my wavelength. I had indeed been involved in the Islamic Society that year, but since it consisted of fewer than ten people it was hardly the support base that perhaps my mother may have imagined when she mentioned it in her essay. In terms of dialogue, being aware of the contexts we are each facing is of vital importance. Without it, we each make assumptions of the other and end up with skewed understanding, which is evident in much of contemporary dialogue.

Beyond this, as my mother points out, the biggest sore point in our relationship after becoming Muslim was my decision to marry. I believe marriage is the hardest issue every person who converts to Islam out of a desire for the Truth confronts and, having spoken to quite a few of them, it seems we all make similar mistakes and face the same struggles in ourselves and with our families. I knew from early on in my adherence to Islam that this would be a major issue; when or if it would eventually arise. The Islamic method of introduction for marriage, at least as we understand it, is of course inimical to what is practised in Western Europe. With the historical exception of the aristocracy, this way of doing things is unheard of in these lands. Culturally, therefore, my decision to approach marriage in a manner in accordance with my religion came as a huge shock to my family; a shock which I do understand, despite the protestations that I clearly didn’t.

In late April during a waiting period between the end of a temporary job and my starting full time, I met a friend locally, with whom I discussed many things. Amongst them I expressed my desire to find a companion with whom to spend the rest of my life, just like any sane person does. Although I did not know that he would be able to help me personally, I did know that he was quite well connected in the local community, so I asked him if he knew of any women who had also converted to Islam, by which I really meant of British stock. I had felt some time earlier that as an English Muslim, someone of a similar background would best compliment me. As it happened, that was not to be, but as two converts we find that our bonding culture is in fact our religion, while our two superficially different national cultures strike us as being more like decoration.

Some time later, this friend contacted me to tell me that his wife knew of a convert who was also looking for a soul mate. He asked if I would like to meet her, which naturally I did, and so a meeting was arranged and dinner prepared. I decided to place the matter in the hands of my Creator from the outset and thus prayed a simple but powerful supplication with genuine sincerity. The prayer is known as Al-Istikharah and is used for seeking guidance in choosing a proper course.

…if You know this affair, that I should marry this person, to be good for me in relation to my religion, my life and end, then decree and facilitate it for me and bless me with it…

At that time I placed my trust absolutely with God and relied upon prayer as my guide. It is perhaps for this reason that I accepted this seemingly alien process towards marriage, even as it would be unacceptable to those around me. After a few meetings, having decided that we did like each other, and with me finding that God had not turned the possibility away from me as a later part of that prayer asks for something which is bad, we decided that we would marry in just three months time. Like all those other issues of Christmas, of diet, of going to the pub and so on, however, this proposal was fraught with difficulty for me. The authority I was accepting over theirs, contrary to my mother’s conclusion, was the command of God via His Messenger as we accept it in Islam. It is indeed true that Islam commands respect of one’s parents and, furthermore, obedience. It is only recently, however, as my religious knowledge has increased slightly that I have come to realise the gravity of this teaching. Some of the words of Prophet Muhammad and his companions are uncompromising on this (and these are but a few of them):
Bahz ibn Hakim’s grandfather said, “I asked, ‘Messenger of God, to whom should I be dutiful?’ ‘Your mother,’ he replied. I asked, ‘Then whom?’ ‘Your mother,’ he replied. I asked, ‘Then whom?’ ‘Your mother,’ he replied. I asked, ‘Then whom?’ ‘Your mother,’ he replied. I asked, ‘Then to whom should I be dutiful?’ ‘Your father,’ he replied, ‘and then the next closest relative and then the next.’”

Abdullah ibn Umar said, ‘The pleasure of the Lord lies in the pleasure of the parent. The anger of the Lord lies in the anger of the parent.’

Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet, may God bless him and grant him peace, said, ‘Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace!’ They said, ‘Messenger of God, who?’ He said, ‘The one who fails his parents or one of them when they are old will enter the Fire.’

Imran ibn Husayn said, “The Messenger of God, may God bless him and grant him peace, said, ‘What do you say about fornication, drinking wine and theft?’ ‘God and His Messenger know best,’ we replied. He stated, ‘They are acts of outrage and there is punishment for them, but shall I tell you which is the greatest of the great wrong actions? Associating others with God Almighty and disobeying parents.’ He had been reclining, but then he sat up and said, ‘and lying.’”

What I found myself struggling with was the fact that being dutiful to parents is conditional on that not entailing disobedience to God. I believe this concept itself is easy to grasp, regardless of one’s religious belief, even if we differ in what God actually requires from us. My fear was that to date her for six months to a year or more would entail disobedience to God. I concluded, therefore, that I had a dilemma. It dawned on me much later, after the event, that there were not in fact just two positions here, but other options I could have taken. If to marry in accordance with Islamic teachings meant to disobey my parents and to marry in accordance with Western tradition meant to disobey God, then the third option could have been not to marry at all. In the event, I could see only two paths which resulted in me shedding many tears, complaining to God that I was not strong enough to be a Muslim and, may God and my beloved forgive me, even praying at one point that He take me away from this life rather than test me with what I thought I couldn’t bare. I felt torn in two between my family, whom I love, and my Lord who created me and all things. That is not an easy situation at all.

In the end, we married on the 4th of August 2001. At first we fell in like, and then, within the luxurious bounds of marriage, we fell in love, with all praise due to our Creator, who promises in the Qur’an that he puts love and mercy between the married couple as a sign for us all to reflect upon. My mother’s comments on the way we set about our marriage reflect my family’s hurt which I recognise and accept; she brackets incorrectly that I had my marriage arranged for me, but I can appreciate that the speed at which events took place prevented a lot of genuine understanding from occurring. Furthermore, greater wisdom and learning on my part could have made things easier for all concerned, but both of these are things which only grow over time.

There have been a number of influences on me in this regard since my marriage. My mother commented that our marriage was attended by a large number of Muslim friends. It has to be said that most of these at the time were hers; up until then my circle of Muslim friends consisted of a very few individuals. The widening of my social circle has naturally widened my appreciation of diversity within the Islamic tradition. I have also inherited a fair number of convert friends from my wife which has allowed room for reflection on our shared experience, making the manoeuvres between our two traditions less jarring. The interface between European Muslims, in the native sense, is often one of learning from each other’s mistakes and successes.

A further influence has been increased motivation to attend study circles, the two of us supporting the other to attend. Lastly, it could be said that experience of events within the Muslim world, both on a local level and at the macro level, inspire greater thoughtfulness. As a solitary Muslim with a small circle of friends prior to marriage, it could be said that my worldview was inspired almost solely by my experience and that of my friends. Once you move out into the world you are invariably confronted with uncomfortable sights and sounds, as well as beauty which you did not know before, which impact upon your thought processes. Sympathy for the aims of certain groups easily, although gradually, gives way to cynicism, and vice versa. The old metaphor of good fruit from a good tree provides food for thought.

In the next section I wish to offer my reflections on the theological perspectives presented in my mother’s essay. I would emphasise, however, the point that knowledge and insight grows with time, such that what I write here may well not be my view tomorrow. This is perhaps especially the case now, as I am very much aware of my feeling a sense of flux in my thought processes. Hence dialogue should be a perpetual process, taking into account new realities on both sides.