In 2003 my mother wrote an essay entitled “Help, there’s a Muslim in my family!” for the interfaith module of her Masters degree in Theology. After reading the copy she sent me, I wrote the following essay, and sent it back in May of the same year. It was a useful exercise for us both, I think.
Introduction
Part of the title of my mother’s essay on my conversion to Islam read, ‘Help, there’s a Muslim in my family!’ Ironically that lamentation is not very different from the one which led to my renewed interest in ‘finding’ God some five years ago. Back then writing was my main hobby and, for a while, one theme predominated in the words I wrote: ‘Help, I don’t share my family’s belief.’ I rediscovered some of these articles recently while clearing old files off my computer. Here’s an extract from one dated December 1997 (I can’t now believe the bad language and anger I expressed in the rest of the piece):
‘You don’t want to reject their faith, you don’t want to be different, you don’t want to be an outcast; you just don’t have their faith, but at least you’re trying to find it. But it’s so hard to admit that. They prefer to hear that you’re lazy, because that’s not such a disgrace. You’re filled with fear, so you don’t admit openly that you’re completely lost. You’re hoping that someone will pick up on your blatant hints.’ (neurolie.doc)
During my second year at university there was this intense drive in me to ‘find my way,’ to be like the rest of my family, but not at the expense of sincerity before God. Again, from the same piece:
‘Your sister corners you with awkward questions at the dinner table. “Why don’t you come to church?” Her tone is accusing, she’s trying to humiliate you, but she doesn’t understand a single thing. She thinks you’re just a lazy —-. Your family looks at you and you look back. Well, you’re not exactly going to tell the truth, are you? “Well, it’s like this. Sis. Mum, dad, bro. I can listen to the readings, the gospel and a psalm. I can listen to the sermon and learn. But how do you think I feel when we all stand for the Nicene Creed, and all I can say is ‘I believe in one God the father almighty, maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible’? You want me to say it all, but faith isn’t about you, it’s about God. Do you want me to be a hypocrite before God? Of course you don’t. I don’t go to church because I don’t have the strength or the knowledge to claim your faith and I refuse to lie in the Name of God.”’ (ibid. – Note: these harsh words reflect my feeling at the time and not my views today.)
On the occasion of my eldest brother’s wedding, I remember bemoaning within that I would never be able to get married, for to marry outside a church would be like publicising to all that I didn’t share my family’s faith. This of course is now another source of irony, for a year and a half ago I did marry outside a church, effectively publicising to all that I didn’t share my family’s faith. One thing had changed; back in 1997 I was lost, looking, unsure of faith, in 2001 believing in Islam; the certainty of believing, as opposed to the flux of disbelief, made the ‘I will never’ less easily done.
This year, as part of her Masters degree in Theology, my mother wrote an essay entitled, “Help, There’s A Muslim In My Family!”: A Personal And Theological Reflection On The Experience Of A Son’s Conversion To Islam. Although it was submitted as an academic assignment, it was a very personal insight into the effect my embrace of Islam has had on the family. In preparation for this essay, she sought my involvement by asking me to review a book on Christian-Muslim dialogue. Hoping to add some sort of Muslim perspective I, along with my wife, did this, finding it a fruitful endeavour. Some time after her conclusion of the essay, my mother sent a slightly edited version of it for us to read. Although it was at first uncomfortable reading, its title coming as a shock to say the least, I can only express appreciation to my mother for opening this discussion up. My hope is that this may lead us to establishing some kind of dialogue towards understanding, of the kind which is much talked about institutionally, but rarely carried down to the lay men and women on the ‘street’. This essay, then, is an attempt to carry the discussion forward, in part responding to my mother’s essay and in part covering new ground.
Last modified: 22 September 2024
that was excellent; jazakAllah khayr.I’d be interested to know what the ‘small things’ were which attracted you to Islam. The writer here mentions the same thing: http://www.masud.co.uk/ISLAM/nuh/bmuslim.htm
You mentioned that by reading the Quran you were convinced of the existence of God, and that revelation from God is indeed a possibility.My question is: What did you read in the Quran which convinced you of the above? How is it different from other religious scriptures? Was it a spiritual/warm/fuzzy experience reading it, or is there something tangible in the episode?Jazak Allah Khair.
Assalamu Alaikum,I came by way of your comment on UmmZaid’s page at Sunnisisters. Thanks so much for this essay. It makes me think of what I went/am going through with my own mother, and just reviewing the whole situation. Thank you.peaceTwennyTwo
wow.Jazak’Allah Khayre.
Salam alaikum,Anonymous 1: the little things would be gentle words, modesty, humility and kindness. Muslims can often be brash, harsh, arrogant, but the best Muslims really are the best of humanity.if0rg0t: The Qur’an convinced me of the existence of God and that revelation is indeed a possibility through passages such as those in which Allah says He turned to the heavens and the earth when it was smoke and commanded them to come willingly or unwilling. As a fan of programmes such as Horizon and the amazing Hubble space telescope images, those verses and others were poignant. twennytwo: I am glad it was useful.Wasalam
Salaam BrotherI found your link on Abu Eesa’s website and all I want to say is that this is a beautiful and touching piece of literature.May God increase you in perseverance.
Salaam ‘alaikum.Tim, greatly enjoyed your essay; thanks for sharing this. I thought the second half in particular was quite good, knowledgeable. I did want to ask, though, if it’s not too personal a question, regarding your family’s reaction to your getting married. Based on what you wrote, I couldn’t really understand why they might have gotten upset. There were a couple of other, minor questions, such as “SOAS.” Which means? 🙂
SOAS = School of Oriental and African Studies, a college of the University of London. See http://www.soas.ac.uk
BismillahiRahmaniRaheem as-salamu’alaikum,Excellent, just excellent
Assalamu AlaikumI felt your words and descriptions of your reversion truly mirror my own experiences. SubhanAllah. May Allah reward you for your candidness.
Dear BrotherMashaAllah, may Allah reward you for your struggles, for the tears that you have shed and for the endurance and patience you have exhibited. My prayers are not hollow because I am exactly in your shoes before marriage. On the one hand, is putting my family to shame, dishonour and public embarassment if U marry a muslim. On the other hand, is my duty to God to get married. But I have with a lot of pain come to the difficult decision to simply remain unmarried till either (i) my parents take pity on my solitary existence and let me marry a muslim woman or (ii) my parents leave this world, which will allow me to marry when I’m probably 45+. Those are what lie ahead of me. There is nothing lacking in my life to prevent me from getting married except the resistance of my parents and they know they can resist now while I’m still 27. It’s a long wait for me. I do thank Allah that (as you said) He blessed me with the wisdom to distinguish and choose this option. At the same time, I also extend my heartfelt sympathies to you at the agony with your parents you must have gone through during your wedding. I know of a close friend of mine who went through a similar experience. I cannot imagine, at this stage of my life, enduring that for even one second of it. Truly, Allah has blessed you with great courage and character. Pls pray for this brother of yours. Was-salam
Assalamaleikum Wa RahmatulahInteresting post, always beneficial to see the difficulties and trials of others so we can understand their situation better and see how Allah has blessed us.Real point I want to make is that there is NO Shariah impediment with a Muslim male marrying without the permission of his parents – be they Muslim or Non-Muslim – if they are refusing for unislamic reasons such as ethnicity, etc.The situation for Muslim females is more complex, as they require the permission of their Mahram – but if her parents are non-muslim, the Mahram is the ‘Imam’ – what that means in the west is generalised, but in general seems to be the local qadi.This question discusses around the issue http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=82724&dgn=4Furthermore, depending on the individual (and needs) the obligation to get married varies from sunnah to obligatory – and there is no obedience to the creation in lieu of the creator.That all being said – speak to a scholar or qadi about your case – but please do NOT think that your parents can stop you from getting married per-se, they may have legitimate concerns and you should discuss with them and listen to them, but their grounds to prevent your marriage to a specific person have to be islamically permissible.Don’t take ANY actions in things like this based on a comment on a blog, but speak to someone of knowledge about your individual circumstance first. However do not feel that it is islamically binding on you not to get married so as to please your parents – as this is fallacious thinking.WSFulaan
Sorry, this question is probably more relevant to your situation – specifically point four.http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=69752&dgn=4
FulaanShariah offering no impediment to disobeying my parents and getting married does not mean that the Shariah suggests that as the only solution to my problem. It merely opens the door of options wider. My choice to wait and stay single, even if it means till the age of 45+, till Allah dissolves the resistance of my parents, is also a *shariah-compliant* solution but one that is more suited for my circumstances.
Like I said, everyone’s individual circumstances are different – and only you know your circumstances best.I was just pointing out that in (general terms) there is nothing wrong in this case of going against your parents – and as such can not as such be considered an act of piety by choosing to follow their prohibition – and in fact may be disobedience if your situation is one upong whom marriage is mandatory. In that case the circumstance can be likened to your parents ordering you not to pray or fast.That being said – as you probably know there is a massive difference between the simplicity of a ruling in its isolation and the emotional impacts of actually following through with it.You know your situation best, and what applies and what does not apply to your own circumstances.May Allah grant you ease in whichever way you choose to solve your predicament.Fulaan
FulaanThanks for your clarification. I’ll repeat what you said – “That being said – as you probably know there is a massive difference between the simplicity of a ruling in its isolation and the emotional impacts of actually following through with it”