“Halal. Is it meat you’re looking for?” — Bill Bailey
It is a shame that militant secularists cannot appreciate their own extremism, with all their sacred symbols that they will defend against the blasphemies of their enemies. It is a shame that they cannot see that the excesses they condemn amongst religious communities are right there in their own. It is a shame that they are as fanatical as the fanatics they claim to oppose. It is a shame that they are as blind to their own reality as they are to the realities of their assailants. Their emotions, their passion, their prejudices: they are no different to the people of religion they rebuke.
Bono has finally found what he was looking for. Turns out he hid it in Malta.
Depressed about the lack of unity between Muslims? Then join our Islamic Pyramid scheme today. Um, I mean franchise opportunity, that’s totally not cultish at all.
Hey! Read my longwinded message which proves that such and such is HARAM!!
Here is a verse from the Qur’an to prove it!
Now you may say that this verse has absolutely nothing to do with such and such. However, the SCHOLARS say that the meaning of XYZ is such and such, and since you’re an ignoramus, you have no right to read the verse in context. Continue reading “Haram”
Assalamunalaukizum! Are you a gullible beardo looking to replayz your Toyota Corolla wid a Bentley? You are? Then sign up for our Islamic Pyramid Scheme today. Worried Multi-Layered Network Marketting is a scam and haram? Get wid the game boy, LOL! Who seds it was haram man? You aints nothing but a howndog. This is legit man, I gots a Bentley on my drive AND a Mercedes Benz! And whats you gots man? My points exackly. So get with the kool kids man, and signs up for our 100% guaranteed halalalicious Islamidocious get-someone-rich scheme today. You wonts regret it, no diddly way. I is promising you.
Not to worry, “The Political Establishment” will push him under a train soon enough to give the conspiracy nuts who voted for him something else to be enraged about, and then a UFO laden with NWO physicians will land to force vaccinate everyone and take away their guns, at which point the Illuminati will inverse the Golden Ratio, making Rio de Janeiro the new centre of the earth and enslave mankind under the yoke of political correctness and force everyone to wear cardigans.
AS SAM’UALL’LIKEHIM! Do you want a Lamborghini to sit on like a kind of extremely rich man’s deck chair?
If yes, download my FREE GUIDE on marketting to Muslamics! Learn how to rock a sunnah beard while cruising in your Bentley. Understand the importance of the random use of apostrophes when reaching out to the nouveaux-puritan-riche. Master our three simple steps to success: “IT”, “IS” & “HALAL”. All yours for absolutely diddly squat!
Join us for our FREE taster session, where we’ll read to you the first two chapters of a book you could borrow from the library. If you like what you hear, we’ll convince you to pay us hundreds of pounds to listen to the rest and, if you’re lucky, set up a monthly subscription.
AND THE BEST PART? Yes, you guessed it: it’s all HAL’AL! Sign up right now! Don’t forget to share this with all your friends. It’s a religious duty ak’h’ee!
Last week David Cameron accused an imam of supporting IS. When it was later discovered that the imam had in fact been touring the country to talk about the evils of ISIS, Number 10 clarified that David Cameron was not talking about “The ISIS” but, you know, Islamic states in general, you know, like Saudi Arabia. Um, no not Saudi Arabia which is a key ally of the United Kingdom and has our full and unwavering support, and which we will never ever condemn, even when they’re massacring thousands of civilians in Yemen with weapons we sold them. No, not that kind of Islamic state, but you know those other ones we don’t support that are barbaric in a different way. Like, um, you know, Iran, er, Egypt, well it doesn’t matter, but it’s clear what the Prime Minister meant, he meant IS as in Islamic states or the third person singular present of be, which is even worse. Continue reading “Barbaric acronyms”
Want to be popular? Famous even? You do?
Then sign up to our free premium webinar today where we’ll teach you the very opposite of traditional Muslim spirituality. You’ll learn how to answer the base calls of your nafs to become a person of influence long before you’re ready and really know what you’re doing.
Sounds good? Of course it does! We know the lusts for power, fame and influence are hard to resist. That’s why you’ll gladly pay $1000s at the end of our introductory course to learn more.
No more climbing mountains to reflect on the wonders of God. No more tiring work in the community reforming hearts. No more thankless years calling to a heedless people. Learn how to build a massive following instantly, RIGHT NOW!
Not what Nuh, Isa or Muhammed, peace be upon them, would do? Don’t worry, our Islamic social media strategy is 100% halal and fully shariah compliant.
Sign up today and you’ll receive an Islamic pencil, absolutely FREE!
So what are you waiting for? Make your impact on the ummah today and leave a legacy to be proud of. Your nafs will never see it coming. The future is yours.