Moments

I honestly wish my path had never crossed with those people all those years ago. I wish I had been content being a nobody. I wish I had been satisfied with my tiny friendship group, comprising people more like me. I wish I had just gone with the flow and kept myself to myself.

I wish I had been happy to be the nerd spending his time in the library, focussing on his studies alone. I wish I didn’t become preoccupied trying to carve out a place for myself. I wish I wasn’t so desperate to make friends that I sacrificed all common sense.

I wish I had opted to take a sensible set of subjects. I wish I had never taken that course, never to wander amongst those people. I wish I had remained a stranger, minding my own business. I wish I had never been aware of those people. I wish I had been oblivious to their faces and their words.

Of course I wish many things. I wish I didn’t have the face of a dork. I wish I wasn’t a walking skeleton. I wish I wasn’t the geek kid. I wish I had been mature. I wish I had had self-confidence. I wish I had had people with whom to discuss my feelings. I wish that those who should have noticed had noticed I was unwell.

I wish that I was not shy of what I was. I wish I had invited friends to my house. I wish I could have admitted what kind of family I had. I wish I had not cared what people thought of me. I wish I had embraced those reaching out to me, and shunned those pushing me away.

I wish I had never seen those eyes. I wish I had listened to the friend who tried to tell me the truth. I wish I had not been sensitive. I wish I had not listened to my heart. I wish I didn’t have depression. I wish I didn’t take everything so personally. I wish I had stood up for myself.

I wish I never wrote that book. I wish I never took up writing. I wish I had been content penning whimsical comedies alone. I wish I had been able to speak. I wish I had had sensible conversations with sensible friends. I wish I wasn’t so alone. I wish I wasn’t so awkward.

But, of course, I wish many things. I wish I didn’t have a face that made me a laughing stock. I wish I didn’t have a frame that made me stand out like a sore thumb. I wish I had had a voice with which to express myself. I wish I had been able to stand up and say, “You’re so completely wrong about me.” I wish I had been able to say, “Just stop!”

Instead, moments defined me forever. Moments at school, college, university. Moments in Hull, Cambridge, London, Stirling. Moments in a dormitory, a corridor, a canteen. Moments amongst friends, strangers, enemies. Moments that have haunted me my entire life, causing me to shudder whenever I look in the mirror. Moments that have never left me.

But why wish? All of those moments carried me here. I was carried towards faith, finding refuge in the One. Then I was carried towards my beloved. Then we were carried towards these children. And we were all carried on towards blessings unimagined. I wish many things, but my wishes are immaterial.

These paths crossed by design. These moments were predefined. And the signs we have all now witnessed: could any of us have planned any of this had we tried? None of that was an accident. Signs on the horizons and within ourselves. Signs for people of understanding.

Leave feedback

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.