Such an idiot

This is the thought that shook me awake in the middle of the night: “Yes, I am such an idiot.” Then another thought: “I am living proof that your ego will always make a fool of you.”

My apology was meant to be anonymous. The anonymity was supposed to preserve my sincerity. To say, forgive me, without saying, “Look at me and how wonderful I am!” Nonsense, that overdue penitence has kept me awake for years now. Instead it transformed from the sincere petition of my heart into something else completely.

If you convince yourself that you have overcome your scheming nafs, know that you are completely deluded. Wake up. Pinch yourself. Double-down on your guard. No, you are simply a fool, thinking himself a pious sage, when really you’ve simply succumbed to the whispers of the whispering one.

May the Most Merciful have mercy on my soul. Grant me humility and a true estimation of my status. May the month of fasting to come burn away my ego and burnish my soul. Never be complacent in your idiocy.

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