After the incident with the random time switch on the time machine, Secretary Blondy pledged a complaint with the ‘Secretaries Working in Time Variable Situations Complaints Commission’ in the hope that she would receive compensation and a free holiday to Barbados. As it turned out, seven strong men arrived at her office two weeks later to remove the double-glazing from her windows.
‘What are you doing?’ exclaimed Secretary Blondy.
‘Don’t worry, lady. This’ll give you that condensation you were after.’
‘How?’ she asked.
‘Oh, yes, you’re right. It won’t actually, will it?’
‘No, it won’t. And anyway, I don’t want any condensation.’
‘Of course you do. It’s right here in this letter. Look.’
‘Compensation, not condensation, you idiot!’
‘Right. Okay. Fine. Fine. Anyway, thanks. The holiday in Barbados was very kind. We’re off there now. We just came to collect the windows on the way to the airport,’ explained Jack.
‘I’m sorry?’ asked Secretary Blondy.
‘No need to apologise lady, it’s no problem!’ said Jack’s brother, Jack.
This was too much for Secretary Blondy, so she changed her name to Diana and went back to work for Professor Ivan. As she settled in, back at her old desk, Professor Ivan called her into his office. Dan, her favourite time travelling man, was there. So was John Lee Hooker. He was admiring the new android. Fag had committed syntax error at line ten back in June and it was decided that an android would be more helpful to them.
‘Who’s this?’ asked Diana.
‘This is Hip, pretty Baby!’ replied John Lee Hooker.
The Blues player stood up and walked across the room to Professor Ivan to get him to commence the switching on ceremony of Hip. The Professor made his speech and finished: ‘Therefore, without further a do, I name this android Hip. May it live long.’ With that he swung a bottle of Champaign at Hip. Hip’s head fell off.
Dan the time travelling man came to the rescue and reattached the head, before switching Hip on.
‘I am a series fifty six stroke three android. In the event of malfunction please return me to Android Technology International Corporation, 17 Red Brick Lane, Huddersfield. Warning to users: do not expose this series fifty six stroke three or three point two two to temperatures exceeding forty degrees centigrade. Keep out of direct sunlight. Keep in a dark, dry place. Where possible keep in the cardboard box that this android comes in,’ said Hip.
John Lee Hooker interrupted. ‘Man, doesn’t this droid have a volume switch?’ he asked, ‘It’s giving me the blues.’
Before he could say anything else, Hip continued: ‘Have a nice day!’ and then, ‘Please wait one moment while I load my operating system. This time now, while you are waiting, would be a good time to fill in that registration form. To do this you should connect the fourth from the right toe on my left foot to any Canon printer to get a copy of the registration form.’ After a short silence he continued, ‘I am now a fully operational android. Please use me with care. Thank you.’
‘Right,’ said Professor Ivan, ‘I have a job for you. We’ve been receiving distress calls from a somewhere in the 1940s. Apparently some boy called Elvis is being picked on at school. It’s going to be our job to teach him to sing and play the guitar and make him so famous that nobody will ever pick on him again.’
‘But won’t that cause a paradox?’ asked Diana.
‘I’ve already thought of that,’ replied Professor Ivan, ‘So I built a duplicator that would make copies of ourselves so
that we’ll always exist!’
‘Good one Prof!’ shouted Dan the time travelling man in excitement.
‘Thanks, but from now on, don’t call me Professor Ivan; call me Kirt. We have to fit in,’ said Kirt.
‘What are we going to do about Hip?’ asked Diana. She was concerned that his shiny wedge shaped, chrome plated body might stand out in 1950s America.
‘Don’t worry about that either. We’ve made this special Juke Box costume for him and taught him to sing Blue Moon at fifteen different speeds,’ said Kirt.
All possible problems were now solved, so the five of them climbed into the Time Travel Chamber and Dan the one of five time travelling human based life forms started the initiation programme. Rewind. All possible problems were now solved, so the five of them climbed into the Time Travel Chamber and Dan the Man started the initiation programme while Kirt and John Lee Hooker set up the dry ice machines on the floor.
‘Are we ready?’ asked Dan the Man, while the others confirmed that they were. ‘Well let’s do it!’ he said.
‘That’s some man!’ said the humans together.
‘Internal drive error – code zero nine two four one,’ said Hip.
Dan the Man pressed the big green button, and the five of them travelled through time and space and landed in Tupelo, Mississippi. Just then a young Elvis Presley ran up to Kirt and asked him for help, telling him that a group of boys were after him.
Dan the Man interrupted: ‘Don’t worry kid, we’re here to help you!’
‘That’s some man!’ said Elvis, overcome by Dan the Man’s hair style and special time travel suit. ‘I want hair like that. And give me that suit. Just look at those collars!’
Elvis was, of course, referring to the aero-wings that are scientifically proven to assist time travel. ‘No problem,’ said Dan the Man, ‘I have a spare one in my bag!’
‘Right kid, listen up, and listen good,’ said Kirt ‘We’re going to teach you sing the blues so that you can fuse it with
the rock and roll influences that Hip, this here Juke Box is playing for you now. Do you understand boy? Otherwise, it’s off to heart break hotel for you, kid.’
‘I understand, sir, when do we start?’ asked Elvis.
‘Right now!’ said John Lee Hooker.
The six of them returned to the Time Travel Chamber and Dan the Man switched the time accelerator on, so that the music lessons would be over very quickly. When they reached seven years later on the clock, Dan the Man switched the machine off. They stopped with a shake.
‘I’m all shook up,’ said Elvis.
‘Are you?’ asked Diana.
‘Ah huh huh, yes mam,’ replied Elvis, before continuing.
‘I thank you. How will I ever be able to repay you?’
‘Don’t mention it,’ said Hip, still disguised as a Juke Box.
The five time travellers took Elvis to Memphis to ensure that he would become an idol of the US youth. They waved goodbye and returned to Kirt’s office. Unfortunately when they arrived back they found that their expedition had caused a paradox and there were fifty-three sets of the five time travellers in the office and one very grey looking Elvis Presely who had turned up in August nineteen seventy-seven.
‘Blue, blue moon!’ said Hip.