The message that the government and media have been sending out for a few years now is that it is a crime to be concerned about injustices in the world.

And sure enough, many of us have become passive and acquiescent, terrified that we will be labeled radicals or worse. Forgetting, of course, that most of today’s celebrated sages and heroes were absolutely radicals in their time.

Who remembers that radical preacher from Nazareth?

Muslamic marketting

AS SAM’UALL’LIKEHIM! Do you want a Lamborghini to sit on like a kind of extremely rich man’s deck chair?

If yes, download my FREE GUIDE on marketting to Muslamics! Learn how to rock a sunnah beard while cruising in your Bentley. Understand the importance of the random use of apostrophes when reaching out to the nouveaux-puritan-riche. Master our three simple steps to success: “IT”, “IS” & “HALAL”. All yours for absolutely diddly squat!

Join us for our FREE taster session, where we’ll read to you the first two chapters of a book you could borrow from the library. If you like what you hear, we’ll convince you to pay us hundreds of pounds to listen to the rest and, if you’re lucky, set up a monthly subscription.

AND THE BEST PART? Yes, you guessed it: it’s all HAL’AL! Sign up right now! Don’t forget to share this with all your friends. It’s a religious duty ak’h’ee!


As salamiualleycome… Are you interested in getting all the trappings of serious dunya? Expensive sports cars, hideous mansions, glitter, pomp and all the adornments of worldly life? You are? Then you need to attend our dunya mastermind training today and we’ll show you how i’ns’hAllah! (bring a friend and we’ll give you an extra apostrophe absolutely free)


Oh dear, they’re running on Muslim time. Note, not “Islamic time” because that would imply punctuality, respect, good manners. Nope, but these modern sunnahs of Muslims, where you arrive an hour and a half after you said you would, because you don’t value your friends’ needs or wishes.

Spurious chains

Would you believe that in 2016, with so many means to verify the facts, people are still spreading spurious messages about E-numbers and western industrial conspiracies to smother everyone in pig fat, attributed to a Pakistani Doctor nobody is sure really exists, on behalf of a medical organisation nobody is sure really exists? It would take you approximately five seconds to determine that E100 is a food colouring derived from Tumeric. But, oh no, caring is sharing, and apparently a religious duty. Oddly enough, correcting yourself after the fact is never made a religious duty. We’ll just sit on that one, which is why this still circulates online, even a decade after it was first declared a hoax.


Dear Grumpy,

I note your concern about the minoritification of the British food industry by supine executives pandering to the whim of consumers, oblivious as they are to the threat songs about baked beans pose to our very survival in the apocalyptic clash of civilisation which consumes us daily. Now is not the time to be finger-drumming along merrily.

Yes, good, but, well, I think it’s safe to say that Heinz Beans with Pork Sausages and with Spicy Meatballs are not halal. So no pandering to vegetarians, I mean Jews, I mean Muslamics there. Of course if they choose to put the halal symbol on their vegetarian products to increase their share of the market, that’s entirely up to them.

Anyhow surely Muslims eating baked beans is a definite sign of successful integration and a cause for celebration. In fact I know that Muslim men enjoy jokes about flatulence as much the next man; oh what joy.

“Halal” purely means “permissible”. So rest assured that your loaf of Kingsmill has not been slaughtered prior to being sliced for your breakfast table. Spill the beans on top safe in the knowledge that they are, quite simply, legumes.

Yours etc.