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a cacophony of ramblings

Category: Satire (Page 2 of 2)

Letter from Government to Christians following terrorist attacks in Norway

Peace,

We have recently seen terrible atrocities committed in Oslo and Utøya. Finding the right response to these events is a challenge for everyone. The hijacking of a great faith to justify such heinous crimes sickens us all. As Christians around the world have made clear, such actions are an affront to Christianity.

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Pandemic

Some people never get over Convertitis, but for most people it is like Chickenpox: you only get it once. While it can linger for some months and even years, most people eventually make a full recovery, with few pervasive side-effects. Unfortunately a few cases of chronic recurrent Convertitis have been observed in the wild over the past few days. A worrying development. On bright side, it is generally not contagious and those previously afflicted with the condition tend to be inoculated against its effects.

Dear English & Proud

Look, you’ve go a mascot that’s a Teddy Bear dressed like Richard the Lionheart, a man who couldn’t speak English, mostly lived in France and only really used England as a source of revenue to support his war efforts.

Paddington Bear would be a more English mascot, but I appreciate we can’t have an Asylum Seeker from Darkest Peru representing us. There is Pooh, of course, but I think he sold his soul to Disney, and oh how we hate sell outs.

What we really need is a Red Squirrel, that very bastion of Englishness, bravely facing off those nasty foreign Greys. Yes, a Red Squirrel, but not one dressed like a Crusader. I think the Crusader imagery isn’t very helpful, since it is too reminiscent of EU Cooperation. Let’s have a Red Squirrel nibbling Cucumber Sandwiches and sipping English Breakfast Tea while complaining about the weather.

English and Proud. Personally I have never found pride to be a very nice characteristic, let alone a very English one. We’re more a kind of humble people who like to do ourselves down. Nothing wrong with that. Puffed up nationalism is so tiring. But English reserve, low expectations, benevolence and graciousness: ah, the very taste of Olde Englande! It brings tears to your eyes. English and just a little Humble. Ah, that’s better.

Any how, I digress. The first task of the English Democrats will be to promote the proper use of English by the English. So can all of you Patriotic folk refrain from penning your epistles until you have learnt to spell and use commas properly? Thereafter I propose we compile a list of all that’s good about England and the English as a starting point, rather than all that’s bad. I shall start.

1) We love to queue in an orderly fashion even when nobody asked us to.

2) We always pull to the side of the road when an emergency vehicle needs to get through.

3) It rains a lot, but we never complain; instead we shrug our shoulders and say, “So it’s raining again then.”

4) We’re generally very charitable.

5) We believe in the rule of law.

6) Curry.

7) We used to make the best sports cars.

8) The National Health Service, of course!

9) We invented all the best inventions and then gave them away for others to make even better – jet engines, radar, jet liners, sports cars, liquid crystal displays, bagless vacuum cleaners…

10) Silent Ks.

Please carry on chaps. Make your nation proud.

O people of the interwebs!

O people of the interwebs, tell me something positive!

What, pray, is the purpose of the daily trawl of the online press for tales of woe afflicting the Muslims, condensed and abbreviated into bite-sized chunks for readers to absorb in a fit of never ending misery? Will nobody stand up and say enough is enough? Why, kind sirs all inclusive, must we constantly record all that keeps us in a state of perpetual gloom? Is this, I have to ask, the way it was meant to be?

I fear a bout of seasonal melancholy is coming my way. If tales of joy do not arrive pretty swiftly, I shall blame my demise on this rampant morass of negativity. I have no time for this, but I am minded to start a blog entitled, People being awfully nice to one another Watch. I know it doesn’t have a very good ring to it, but I’m not sure bleakophobia is a word.

If anyone has any happy tales to share, please do forward them to me at the earliest opportunity. This is an urgent request, so please do not procrastinate. I look forward to being amazed by the sheer humanity of my fellow humans, for which I shall be eternally grateful. I thank you.

Risk Assessment

Dear Editors,

Explain to me, would you, what this means: ‘Sebastian Faulks outburst risks anger of Muslims’? Or this: ‘Sebastian Faulks has risked sparking Muslim outrage…’

Does it mean that you have not yet found any angry Muslims and you’re stirring? Or is it just that you’ve taken your risk assessment training a tad too seriously?

‘The bestselling author Sebastian Faulks has courted controversy by saying the Koran has “no ethical dimension”.’

He has courted controversy, has he? And how is his courtship going? Are Muslims engaging, or as it seems to me, are they too preoccupied with a month of fasting and prayer to lap up this manufactured schism? The comment fields are filling up with condemnation of backward Muslims who have no respect for free speech, for sure, but the Muslim voice is strangely absent. Hence ‘risk’.

As for you, Mr Mair, what was with that package on PM last night? No, don’t get me wrong, it was quite fascinating and instructive. I was just wondering about the invitation of Fay Weldon. Well, when I say wondering, I mean I was thinking, ‘Good choice’. For it was Fay Weldon, was it not, whose contribution to the Satanic Verses affair was:

‘The Koran is food for no-thought. It is not a poem on which a society can be safely or sensibly based. It gives weapons and strength to the thought-police — and the thought-police are easily set marching, and they frighten’ (Sacred Cows, 1989, p.6)

And when I say, ‘Good choice’, I really mean — well — on a discussion concerning the literary merits of the Qur’an versus the Old Testament, you could have invited a doctor of literature, an Old Testament scholar, one of the non-Muslim translators of the Qur’an. Rather than an author who is more associated with fictional tales of women trapped in oppressive scenarios. Though I admit, her contribution wasn’t lacking in that regard.

So a good choice if you’re stirring and you’d rather like to move beyond the ‘risk’ stage and onto to something more compelling. Effigies, bonfires, that kind of thing. Indeed, one blogger has already titled his post, ‘I smell a fatwa’ in anticipation. It would be a shame to disappoint.

But perhaps not the best choice if you seriously wanted to enlighten your listeners on the merits of one over the other. Never mind, we had Dr Mir. I can’t say I was awfully disappointed.

My dear editors — pardon me if I speak out of turn — but is it possible that you misjudged this one? Ever so slightly? I don’t even think Mr Faulks needs the publicity; his book seems to stand up on its own merits in the reviews I’ve read.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not averse to risk assessments (for I really must give you the benefit of doubt on this). No, I think they’re a jolly good thing. Indeed, I often think to myself, ‘If only I had done a risk assessment’ when another DIY job has gone terribly wrong.

No, it’s just that while undertaking your risk assessments, in order to have quantified the probability of Muslim anger properly, as well as identifying the hazard (Mr Faulks’ opinion) you really should have quantified exposure to the hazard, taking into account all of the environmental factors relevant to the case. Factors, I might posit, such as the fact that Muslims are currently fasting the month of Ramadan, which has numerous implications.

For example, it could be argued that a person who rises at 3.00am in the morning to take breakfast and then abstains from eating anything until just after 8.00pm might possibly feel somewhat weary, thus exhibiting less interest in manufactured schisms than usual.

Similarly it could be argued that a person who is spending their free time reading the Qur’an and standing the night in prayer, both ingrained habits of this month, may fail to get full exposure to said manufactured schism. Indeed, since many Muslims abstain from TV and internet use during this month, we are at risk of seeing the risk severely diminished.

Furthermore, you might possibly find that conditions of the fast such as restraining oneself from getting angry and holding one’s tongue from ill-considered speech lessens the likelihood of the full blown riot required. I could list other factors, but you’re intelligent folk; you get the gist.

Therefore, dear editors, I suggest you sit on this story for the time-being and then pull it out just as Parliament is debating the Religious Hatred Bill or something. Obviously you will have to think of another piece of legislation, as you used said Bill in 2006 when the issue of the Danish cartoons miraculously reappeared all across the media three months after the actual incident.

Not quite sure how you’ll bring it up again post-Ramadan; with the cartoon issue you had the redundancies at Arla foods. Perhaps when Mr Faulks gets nominated for the Booker Prize and you run the story, you could add this line: ‘Faulks courted controversy in August when he said…’ Well, you know the script already.

Risk assessments are all well and good. But sometimes there’s just no substitute for not publishing the story when you have a non-story.  I know it’s us who look stupid when you run these stories, but the ultimate judge of stupidity lies elsewhere.

Kind regards,

etc. etc.

Act 1883

As Robert Cottage from Colne, Lancashire, finally goes on trial at Manchester Crown Court, pleading guilty to possession of explosives, Home Secretary John Reid is set to address Christian children about looking for the tell-tale signs of extremism in their parents.

Leader of the Opposition, David Cameron, came under fire last night for his call to ban Orthodontist Ghettos last month after retired dentist, David Jackson of Nelson, Lancashire, denied both charges* under the Explosive Substances Act.

Both men have been charged under the Explosive Substances Act 1883, which was designed particularly for white people who cannot be charged under recent “anti-terror” legislation because it would be unsightly.

Mr Cottage denies conspiracy to cause an explosion. Alistair Webster QC, defending, said Mr Cottage was a former BNP candidate and had been the subject of threats. Mr Cottage accepted the possession charge on the basis that the explosives were designed to deter attacks on his property, Mr Webster said. When police raided his house on 28 September 2006 they discovered 21 types of chemicals which, when combined, could form explosives. Ball bearings – which the prosecution claim could be used as shrapnel for explosive devices – were also found, along with four air pistols.

In a statement released this morning, the Community Cohesion Taskforce says it will be taking a long hard look at extremism amongst middle-aged Englishmen. The Minister in Charge said that community leaders must do more to combat the tide of radicalisation rising in our midst.

But it also sounded a note of caution in dealing with disaffected members of the largely peace-loving British population. “This is a sensitive issue,” said a spokesman, “It is not appropriate that we try to make political capital out of the case of two men found in possession of rocket launchers, a nuclear biological suit, extremist literature, a master plan and a large haul of bomb-making chemicals. We need to look at the underlying causes which are leading old English men towards extremism.’

Pressed on the question on Radio 4’s Today programme this morning, Tony Blair told John Humphries, ‘Those who don’t like our way our life, who don’t like our values, whose ideology is hate. They can just sod off.’

The trial continues today.

* Pardon the pun.

Undercover Wudu Area

Tonight on Dispatches – Muslim fundamentalists claim that cleanliness is next to Godliness, but our under cover investigation reveals an atmosphere of whiffiness spreading through Britain

Mullah Nasrideen: We Muslims have lost the mop

Abu Imran: Jif is bid’a

Sheikh Ahmed: If the toilet doesn’t flush, we throw in the towel

Part One

A Dispatches investigation has uncovered the stinkiest toilets in England, spreading from the basement of mosques run by major UK organisations which claim to be dedicated to the message of Islam, to cleanliness, good manners and civilisation.

Caption: Undercover filming

Our reporter went undercover last summer, joining thousands of worshippers. He’s staying anonymous. After his foot got trapped in the sink. The enamel had turned brown and smelt like chicken and rice.

Caption: 9 August 2006

Our undercover reporter discovered this toilet hasn’t been cleaned in three years. He asks the cleaner why?

Abu Imran: Why should I clean it? It has its own cistern. It automatically cleans itself when you flush. Brown is the new black anyway.

The imam didn’t want our reporter talking to the cleaner for long.

Mullah Nasrideen: This is exactly why we can’t afford toilet cleaning fluid. The man’s always talking. If he would just stop talking we might be able to afford some soap.

Shots of manual of Fiqh

This book contains a whole chapter on ritual purification. But our reporter filmed there in a mosque for over four months, and found that nobody cleaned the toilets once.

Reconstruction using actor

Reconstruction using actor

Fatima Khan investigates smelly toilets. She keeps her face hidden in interviews because of the dangers of her work; plungers and squat toilets are an explosive combination.

Fatima Khan: Muslims believe that cleanliness is half of the religion and that it’s next to Godliness, but nowadays the ummah is engaged in important debates about the kuffar, so we have to make compromises.

Not cleaning the toilet is opposed to the traditional beliefs of classical Islam, according to leading Muslim academic Dr Ali.

Dr Ali: We tell non-Muslims that our way of life is best, but they can smell that the stench coming from our bathrooms. We don’t understand the irony when we call them dirty kuffar.

Our undercover reporter discovered just how far the culture of leaving the toilets to clean themselves goes in mosques up and down the country when he dropped his hidden camera down the trap by accident. Find out what he discovered in Part Two.

Disclaimer: This is satire. It did not really happen, although, yes, it may sound familiar.

Calling 007

Is it just me, or is the secret service not what it used to be?

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