Haram

Hey! Read my longwinded message which proves that such and such is HARAM!!

Here is a verse from the Qur’an to prove it!

Now you may say that this verse has absolutely nothing to do with such and such. However, the SCHOLARS say that the meaning of XYZ is such and such, and since you’re an ignoramus, you have no right to read the verse in context.

And in any case, here’s an extremely boring list of tenuous and ludicrous reasons why such and such is definitely HARAM to bamboozle you, which will most definitely force you to accept that it is not just HARAM, but utterly, unmitigatedly, absolutely without a shadow of a doubt HARAM, for why else would we claim that XYZ means such and such when in fact it means something else entirely? Look, some of these facts are even scientific, and we have included links to prove it! And there’s over twenty of them too!

And who are you anyway? You’re a know-nothing dimwit imbecile, who must be fought until you accept that CAPITAL LETTERS are a certain proof of authenticity.

It is imperative that you forward this message to all the other numskulls in your circle of friends!!

Do it now, because I’m readying another message to warn you that all of your favourite foods are also HARAM, because they contain the boiled gizzards of Canadian dwarfs, ground down into a toxic paste and labelled a vegetarian baking agent by a global conspiracy of truly epic proportions.

You’re welcome.

Pyramids

Assalamunalaukizum! Are you a gullible beardo looking to replayz your Toyota Corolla wid a Bentley? You are? Then sign up for our Islamic Pyramid Scheme today. Worried Multi-Layered Network Marketting is a scam and haram? Get wid the game boy, LOL! Who seds it was haram man? You aints nothing but a howndog. This is legit man, I gots a Bentley on my drive AND a Mercedes Benz! And whats you gots man? My points exackly. So get with the kool kids man, and signs up for our 100% guaranteed halalalicious Islamidocious get-someone-rich scheme today. You wonts regret it, no diddly way. I is promising you.

New world order

Not to worry, “The Political Establishment” will push him under a train soon enough to give the conspiracy nuts who voted for him something else to be enraged about, and then a UFO laden with NWO physicians will land to force vaccinate everyone and take away their guns, at which point the Illuminati will inverse the Golden Ratio, making Rio de Janeiro the new centre of the earth and enslave mankind under the yoke of political correctness and force everyone to wear cardigans.

Muslamic marketting

AS SAM’UALL’LIKEHIM! Do you want a Lamborghini to sit on like a kind of extremely rich man’s deck chair?

If yes, download my FREE GUIDE on marketting to Muslamics! Learn how to rock a sunnah beard while cruising in your Bentley. Understand the importance of the random use of apostrophes when reaching out to the nouveaux-puritan-riche. Master our three simple steps to success: “IT”, “IS” & “HALAL”. All yours for absolutely diddly squat!

Join us for our FREE taster session, where we’ll read to you the first two chapters of a book you could borrow from the library. If you like what you hear, we’ll convince you to pay us hundreds of pounds to listen to the rest and, if you’re lucky, set up a monthly subscription.

AND THE BEST PART? Yes, you guessed it: it’s all HAL’AL! Sign up right now! Don’t forget to share this with all your friends. It’s a religious duty ak’h’ee!

Barbaric acronyms

Last week David Cameron accused an imam of supporting IS. When it was later discovered that the imam had in fact been touring the country to talk about the evils of ISIS, Number 10 clarified that David Cameron was not talking about “The ISIS” but, you know, Islamic states in general, you know, like Saudi Arabia. Um, no not Saudi Arabia which is a key ally of the United Kingdom and has our full and unwavering support, and which we will never ever condemn, even when they’re massacring thousands of civilians in Yemen with weapons we sold them. No, not that kind of Islamic state, but you know those other ones we don’t support that are barbaric in a different way. Like, um, you know, Iran, er, Egypt, well it doesn’t matter, but it’s clear what the Prime Minister meant, he meant IS as in Islamic states or the third person singular present of be, which is even worse. Continue reading Barbaric acronyms

Webinar

Want to be popular? Famous even? You do?

Then sign up to our free premium webinar today where we’ll teach you the very opposite of traditional Muslim spirituality. You’ll learn how to answer the base calls of your nafs to become a person of influence long before you’re ready and really know what you’re doing.

Sounds good? Of course it does! We know the lusts for power, fame and influence are hard to resist. That’s why you’ll gladly pay $1000s at the end of our introductory course to learn more.

No more climbing mountains to reflect on the wonders of God. No more tiring work in the community reforming hearts. No more thankless years calling to a heedless people. Learn how to build a massive following instantly, RIGHT NOW!

Not what Nuh, Isa or Muhammed, peace be upon them, would do? Don’t worry, our Islamic social media strategy is 100% halal and fully shariah compliant.

Sign up today and you’ll receive an Islamic pencil, absolutely FREE!

So what are you waiting for? Make your impact on the ummah today and leave a legacy to be proud of. Your nafs will never see it coming. The future is yours.

Pointing fingers

Another day and another tale of a family in disarray as sisters, wives, daughters, sons make the journey to their new utopia in the heart of Syria, apparently oblivious to the millions of refugees who have fled the country with their lives.

Back home, meanwhile, the local community expresses shock and surprise. Imams insist: not our fault, these people are being radicalised online. This is called having your head stuck in sand.

If our mosques provided services for women and young people, delivered relevant sermons in a common language, put aside ridiculous sectarian and tribal squabbles, I am pretty sure many of these people would not seek out alternative guidance online.

It is a tragedy, of course, but the online world is simply filling a gap. You don’t get to choose how people fill the void you leave wide open.

Letter from Government to Christians following terrorist attacks in Norway

Peace,

We have recently seen terrible atrocities committed in Oslo and Utøya. Finding the right response to these events is a challenge for everyone. The hijacking of a great faith to justify such heinous crimes sickens us all. As Christians around the world have made clear, such actions are an affront to Christianity.

Continue reading Letter from Government to Christians following terrorist attacks in Norway

Pandemic

Some people never get over Convertitis, but for most people it is like Chickenpox: you only get it once. While it can linger for some months and even years, most people eventually make a full recovery, with few pervasive side-effects. Unfortunately a few cases of chronic recurrent Convertitis have been observed in the wild over the past few days. A worrying development. On bright side, it is generally not contagious and those previously afflicted with the condition tend to be inoculated against its effects.

Dear English & Proud

Look, you’ve go a mascot that’s a Teddy Bear dressed like Richard the Lionheart, a man who couldn’t speak English, mostly lived in France and only really used England as a source of revenue to support his war efforts.

Paddington Bear would be a more English mascot, but I appreciate we can’t have an Asylum Seeker from Darkest Peru representing us. There is Pooh, of course, but I think he sold his soul to Disney, and oh how we hate sell outs.

What we really need is a Red Squirrel, that very bastion of Englishness, bravely facing off those nasty foreign Greys. Yes, a Red Squirrel, but not one dressed like a Crusader. I think the Crusader imagery isn’t very helpful, since it is too reminiscent of EU Cooperation. Let’s have a Red Squirrel nibbling Cucumber Sandwiches and sipping English Breakfast Tea while complaining about the weather.

English and Proud. Personally I have never found pride to be a very nice characteristic, let alone a very English one. We’re more a kind of humble people who like to do ourselves down. Nothing wrong with that. Puffed up nationalism is so tiring. But English reserve, low expectations, benevolence and graciousness: ah, the very taste of Olde Englande! It brings tears to your eyes. English and just a little Humble. Ah, that’s better.

Any how, I digress. The first task of the English Democrats will be to promote the proper use of English by the English. So can all of you Patriotic folk refrain from penning your epistles until you have learnt to spell and use commas properly? Thereafter I propose we compile a list of all that’s good about England and the English as a starting point, rather than all that’s bad. I shall start.

1) We love to queue in an orderly fashion even when nobody asked us to.

2) We always pull to the side of the road when an emergency vehicle needs to get through.

3) It rains a lot, but we never complain; instead we shrug our shoulders and say, “So it’s raining again then.”

4) We’re generally very charitable.

5) We believe in the rule of law.

6) Curry.

7) We used to make the best sports cars.

8) The National Health Service, of course!

9) We invented all the best inventions and then gave them away for others to make even better – jet engines, radar, jet liners, sports cars, liquid crystal displays, bagless vacuum cleaners…

10) Silent Ks.

Please carry on chaps. Make your nation proud.