Hey! Read my longwinded message which proves that such and such is HARAM!!

Here is a verse from the Qur’an to prove it!

Now you may say that this verse has absolutely nothing to do with such and such. However, the SCHOLARS say that the meaning of XYZ is such and such, and since you’re an ignoramus, you have no right to read the verse in context.

And in any case, here’s an extremely boring list of tenuous and ludicrous reasons why such and such is definitely HARAM to bamboozle you, which will most definitely force you to accept that it is not just HARAM, but utterly, unmitigatedly, absolutely without a shadow of a doubt HARAM, for why else would we claim that XYZ means such and such when in fact it means something else entirely? Look, some of these facts are even scientific, and we have included links to prove it! And there’s over twenty of them too!

And who are you anyway? You’re a know-nothing dimwit imbecile, who must be fought until you accept that CAPITAL LETTERS are a certain proof of authenticity.

It is imperative that you forward this message to all the other numskulls in your circle of friends!!

Do it now, because I’m readying another message to warn you that all of your favourite foods are also HARAM, because they contain the boiled gizzards of Canadian dwarfs, ground down into a toxic paste and labelled a vegetarian baking agent by a global conspiracy of truly epic proportions.

You’re welcome.