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Random quotations keep on flowing into my mind: ‘they were not wronged, but they wronged themselves’ utmost amongst them. In this tragedy that it is my life — the perpetual oscillation between right and wrong curtailing my spiritual growth — every week seems to bring a new low and senseless despair.

There came a sudden urgency for reform, a commitment to make it permanent this time, and a week in it seemed sincerity was on my side. Forty days, came my resolve, and then eighty, and then three hundred, and then for life. But alas, remission; relapse. Today’s misery acknowledges yesterday and the day before, and the day before that. It is a massive weight, crushing me within and drawing streams of tears.

I returned once more to Him, ashamed and somehow hopeless: here the fear that I am beyond mercy, undeserving and thus deprived of that great prize. But as the gloom descended, so too more random words. ‘None despairs of His mercy except one who has gone astray.’ I acknowledge the reminder, grateful for the whispers. ‘Allah loves to forgive His servants.’ But my sins weigh too heavily. ‘Even if your sins were like mountains…’

These words and others like them flow into my mind as well. I appreciate the inspiration, but I am in floods of tears. May my Lord forgive me, I pray, sincerely, but somehow these tears witness not hope, but despair. I wish I was a good believer, sincere and strong in faith. I wish I could overcome my ills. ‘Ask of Me, and I will answer…’ come the words flowing into my mind.

Today the random quotations have an answer for everything.