Forgive me (for the tea)
I am happy to concede that I may have been rather harsh with the fellow who suffers chronic tea deficiency due to the selfishness of his wife. I apologise if feelings were hurt (although, seriously, making a quick brew isn’t that hard, assuming you have running water in your home and a kettle, and there’s no trekking long distances each morning to collect water from a well and firewood for the stove).
I accept that I may have been insensitive, but as I headed to bed last night, once more my mind was on those lamentations for the “Westernised Muslim woman”, prompted by the ire of a reader. For I began to reflect on my encounters with a few Muslim women of the “west”.
As I thought of each of my friends, I could not think of a single one whose wife does not cook, or clean the house or wash their clothes. I could not think of one who sits idly all day. I can think of friends who—shock, horror—will gladly enter the kitchen to cook as well, although I do often wonder about the experimental cooking of one particular chap.
Who are these women who refuse to cook? Certainly I have never met them. Indeed, the lament about westernisation is misleading, for amongst my female work colleagues we often hear the complaints that on their return from the office, they will still cook dinner and do the ironing. “Is it fair,” asked a reader, “for us to do two jobs at once?” Well these women don’t think so really, but they get on with it, their children’s university fees keeping them at their dreary jobs, as much as they dream of retirement and a deckchair in the garden.
In truth, I cannot think of a friend whose wife is not an excellent cook. I can think of wives who complain about their husbands— some habitually, but most for petty things like leaving a wet dish cloth in the sink or putting dirty socks on a clean bed—but I can’t think that this has much to do with “westernisation”, for I have heard such complaints thousands of miles from here. I can think of other “issues” too, but am unable to attribute them precisely to categories of male or female.
Yes, yes, I know you will come with your story of really nasty wives. Yes, I know they exist for sure. Like the really nasty husbands exist, who fling their wives against walls and use their stomachs as punch bags. But, again, what has this to do with “westernisation”? There was a well known scholar of the past whose wife broke a jar on his head and pushed him down the stairs. Neither of them were “westernised”, for the “west” back then was not held in much esteem. No, no, but this is a real problem, you say, mocking the naive twit before you.
And so it is. Meekly I apologise for the jibe about the cup of tea, and off I toddle to commit the cardinal sin of making one of my own. There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea.
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That is hilarious!
— noted by Abul Layth 2:37 pm on 19th May, 2009 .
I make my own tea.
And I’m the first to point out of men who expect their wives to work- that they aren’t doing their job as provider.
You’re a little old. The women of my generation are different, akh.
— noted by Anon 11:53 pm on 19th May, 2009 .
Fine. If you like, I will wash my own clothes, make my own food and commit myself to celibacy. I suppose that’s the only way to make one’s wife happy, nowadays.
— noted by Anon 12:11 am on 20th May, 2009 .
And FYI, I know of plenty of women who refuse to clean and cook- even for and after themselves. I suppose that’s why I’m a misogynist.
— noted by Anon 12:12 am on 20th May, 2009 .
Anon, I have read each of your responses to these articles, and each time I find you adding a whole load of issues that were never mentioned. Who mentioned misogyny?
The tea, I believe, is in reference to the first of the articles, which you seem to have internalised. If you don’t know why he keeps mentioning tea, clearly it was not about you. I make my own tea too.
— noted by Another 9:16 am on 20th May, 2009 .
Salam alaikum Anon,
I may indeed be out of touch with the realities faced by your generation, but I sincerely believe that if you place your full trust in Allah, He will take care of everything.
Who would have thought that a shy young man from Hull would marry an Armenian convert to Islam from the deepest reaches of the Black Sea?
Place your affairs in the hands of the One who has power over all things, and you will be surprised what comes your way. Increasing charity helps too.
Wasalam.
— noted by Timothy 10:19 am on 20th May, 2009 .
Tim,
What does your first statement mean? What does ‘take care of everything’ mean? Am I to assume that it’s inconceivable that Allah would test me with a bad wife? If so, why? Such women are hardly rare, nowadays. I think tawwakul in Allah is about resignation, not about expecting everything to turn out well- because, invariably, it doesn’t.
I have to face it; by my mid-thirties I’ll be balding, overweight and divorced. And if I’m not divorced, my wife will make my life miserable, will complain that I don’t earn enough, that I eat too much, etc, etc. And she’ll spend all her time away from home, away from me *sigh* such is life, I suppose. And tawwakul would be, being ready to face those inevitabilities. Because that’s what marriage is like- it’s a test, like everything else. Like pestilence, civil strife and in-laws.
— noted by Anon 10:39 am on 20th May, 2009 .
That Allah will take care of everything is simply my experience of life. Who is to say that Allah will not test you with a good wife? Why do you assume that your test will be in something negative? In any case, I believe someone has already quoted the words of the Qur’an:
Perhaps Allah will test you with a good wife who meets your every desire and yet you achieve nothing. Perhaps he will test you with a bad wife, who teaches you patience and humility, and you will soar the greatest heights. Or perhaps he will test you with childlessness, poverty, wealth, homelessness or ravaging war.
As far as I’m concerned, none of this breaks the promise of Allah—for those who have faith and do good deeds, Allah will grant them a good life and eternal bliss.
— noted by Timothy 11:17 am on 20th May, 2009 .
Sorry Tim- what does ‘take care of things’ actually mean?
It seems like the best thing to do is depend on yourself, in such a way that nobody can disappoint you. I used to want to marry, now I know it’s just a test and is full of heartache etc. I’d rather live on my own all my life.
Thanks for the advice, anyway.
— noted by Anon 8:58 pm on 20th May, 2009 .
Anon, ironically your last comment rather reflects the sentiments expressed in another article on this site, if I may be permitted to say so. This is the one I have in mind:
http://folio.me.uk/?p=918
— noted by Another 9:26 pm on 20th May, 2009 .
I don’t know- that’s the first time I’ve read that post.
— noted by Anon 10:27 pm on 20th May, 2009 .
Nobody would say that marriage is easy; why would it be, when it’s half your deen? Like anything worth cherishing, it takes hard work and constant nurture.
How do we develop, if not through trials? In the face of an argument, will we forever be children, shouting back and screaming? Or will we eventually understand that the sunnah applies to this sphere of our life as much as any other? What does the sunnah say about anger? What does it say about humility? What about gratitude? Or patience?
When I say that Allah will take care of everything, I mean that He will ordain for us what is best for us, even if we cannot appreciate it at the time, or even in our lifetime. Is this not our intention when we pray alIstikarah? That He will decree what is best for our religion, life and end. I understand that this will not satisfy you, for you’re an intellectual and I am not. Words, perhaps, cannot explain this simple faith of mine.
But in any case, the cause of your despair is a caricature, perhaps grounded in a reality, but a gross generalisation nevertheless, for a good woman is just a prayer away. As my good wife is wont to remind me, believers do not grieve over the past nor worry about the future.
— noted by Timothy 10:05 am on 21st May, 2009 .
Don’t presume to tell me what I will or won’t accept, what I can or can’t believe.
Marriage makes us very vulnerable. It’s such a huge emotional investment to make, and I’m afraid of it. If you care for your wife too much, she will lose respect for you, and will neglect you. If nothing she does can move you- she will despair. If you don’t disappoint her, she will disappoint you.
— noted by Anon 1:54 pm on 21st May, 2009 .
Indeed. To you your beliefs and to me mine.
— noted by Timothy 2:22 pm on 21st May, 2009 .
Anon, I mentioned that other post for a reason. i.e. to suggest that maybe Tim is not oblivious to the issues you raise. For example:
Does it sound to you that he is unaware of the huge emotional investment that marriage demands? Maybe I’m wrong.
— noted by Another 3:09 pm on 21st May, 2009 .
Actually I’m not an authority on anything, I just reflect on things and share what I feel like. Each to their own.
— noted by Timothy 4:19 pm on 21st May, 2009 .
Another…lol. Point taken.
— noted by Anon 10:47 pm on 21st May, 2009 .