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Setting out on our journey up north to attend my grandmother’s funeral on Friday, my dear wife had the foresight to pack our neglected collection of casettes pertaining to the purification of the soul, and so we had good company throughout that four-hour journey of ours. They served a good purpose, re-awakening my heart to the realities of our existence.

As we set off for home again yesterday, I began to make my resolve to set myself back on track. Taking stock of my state, I was telling my wife that on my return I would find myself some witnesses and say my shahada anew, and start all over again. That’s how I felt just then. I felt so ignorant, so distant from where I should be ten years after I uttered that declaration for the first time.

I felt the need to learn the fard al-ayn all over again, covering everything from start to finish in case I have missed anything out and in case I’m not doing it right. I realised I hardly know any of the du’as of the sunna. I realised I hardly know any of the Qur’an. I reaslised I fall short of my prayers, on praying in congregation, in doing the sunnas. And I realised I have stumbled far from the path of purifying my heart and deeds. I thought about my use words, my laziness and those actions of mine which are dubious, to say the least.

Listening and reflecting, I made my resolve to change and set things aright. I told my wife we would become a one-computer household, ejecting the others we have acquired, organising our time to keep time on the computer to a minimum, to expend more effort learning and standing in prayer. I would rise before Fajr to pray tahajjud, have breakfast and go to the mosque for Fajr without fail. I would cut back on all the waste and focus on the hereafter. I made resolve like this.

Halfway home, however, we dropped in to see some dear friends and ended up agreeing to stay the night. We had a nice time together and ate well. After dinner, we were entertained by the children’s Eid present, a Nintendo Wii, which we had never come across before. A couple of hours passed by as we became engrossed in the interactive games on a huge flatscreen TV. All of a sudden I remembered the words we had been listening to that morning on our journey and my reflections on my life, and almost in the same instant my wife exclaimed such thoughts aloud. But somehow it was too late. My great resolve had deflated.

The realisation that led to my resolve was all grounded in reality, but look how easily I was knocked off course. I don’t have that great resolve now. I know what led me to it is true, but once more my heart inclines to the easy life – towards not making the necessary changes. And such is my life, repeatedly. I make my resolve and within days I am back where I was. But surely this was a record! Only an evening had passed by this time. I shall see what the morrow has in store.