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A regular visitor to this weblog has asked me four short questions:

How did you deal with atheism?
Do you ever feel that God doesn’t exist?
If you do, how do you get rid of that feeling?
How do you handle it?

The questions are short, but there’s no way I could answer them either easily or briefly. That period of my life when I claimed not to believe in God was difficult for me, even when with time it softened to the assertion that I just did not know if I believed in Him. It was especially problematic because I knew of no member of my family who was not a practicing Christian: my mother was amongst the first women to be ordained as priest in the Anglican Church, my father was a lay preacher and warden of all the lay preachers in the diocese and a number of my relatives were missionaries. I was, as some would say, the black sheep of the family: the odd one out. It was that great feeling of discomfort that drove me in the end to search for faith, to try to believe. I cannot say how I “dealt with atheism”, only that in time a kind of innate belief in God returned, even though that wavered fairly frequently. One thing that I did do in those days when I was sure that He was there was “speak to God”, often while lying on my side in bed or whilst walking in the park. I also had quite a strong sense that there was “guidance” – even in a sunny day that made me feel happy and led to me forming a decision a key decision about my life.

Do I ever feel that God doesn’t exist? Actually, I can’t say that I have had a feeling like that over the past nine years, but I must confess that now and then over the first few weeks as a Muslim I did have momentary doubts, for I had come to believe quite suddenly after a long period of disbelief. I was not in the position of a Christian adopting a different faith, but of an agnostic accepting faith anew. Those doubts were only momentary, however, for I was able to remind myself why I had come to believe in Islam and in God as a result.

Nowadays I do struggle in my faith, but the problem is not the question of belief in God, but of disbelief in myself, by which I mean that I stand in the way of my own success, of my spiritual progress and growth. I believe in God absolutely, but I am rather wayward myself, leading myself away from Him even though I am well aware that He is aware of everything I do. I believe this is called lack of taqwa. The Quran speaks of the attractions of the world being like glitter and gold, and this is exactly how it is for me from time to time, sometimes with increasing frequency. I can go off course chasing after something that will not benefit me in any way, either in this life or the hereafter. I usually return in repentance eventually, but who knows, one day I may put it off too long and then I will have ruined everything. This is what I mean by disbelief in myself.

If I did feel He did not exist, how would I get rid of that feeling? I can only tell you of the things that strengthen my faith in Him, and perhaps that may be of use. I will visit www.hubblesite.org and dwell on those beautiful images of deep space, 65000 light years from earth. I will spend time looking at nebulae in particular, in which we witness stars being formed in Stella spires trillions of miles high and I will reflect on those words of the Quran which say that God turned to the Heavens when it was smoke. I will reflect on the great improbability of a single protein molecule coming together by chance. In the past I would try to watch Horizon when it featured magnificent computer animations of the expanses of space; this may sound strange, but sometimes I will even watch a space-based science fiction film, for it has the same effect. Reflect on creation, upon whatever inspires awe in you. Reflect on the complexity of your eye, even of a skin cell, and the fact that you can see the world around you, that you have an organ that perceives smell and taste, that your heart beats without you giving it a second thought. Consider the diversity of life on a rock hanging in the midst of space. Reflect on your dreams. And pray. Pray that He strengthens you in faith.

I would be lying if I said I did not struggle in faith from time to time. I believe in God absolutely, but sometimes clinging onto religion is indeed like holding onto burning coals, just as our Prophet (peace be upon him) advised us it would be. As for the wayward self – one has to persevere, to struggle and work really had. I struggle with myself because I do not persevere and I give in extremely easily: I am lazy I suppose and sometimes the appeal of the glitter and gold is just too strong. How do I handle it? In the case of the former, sometimes you have to cut yourself off from the gossip of the modern world: newspapers, radio, the internet. These things can damage your faith if you are not careful, so sometimes you have to ignore them. Remind yourself that a hundred years ago there wasn’t this constant noise vying for your attention, so ignore those who demand that you know everything that is going on in the world, everywhere, all the time. Sit and read and reflect. Keep good company if you can. Bless your tongue with dhikr. As to the latter, the struggle with the wayward self, I cannot help very much for I fail in this constantly, but past experience proves that prayer and giving a lot of charity is the cure for many an ill.

I hope this helps in some way, rambling though it is. I am sure you will find better advice from wiser folk in our community. Perhaps if any of them see this post, they might care to add their comments below to help all of us together.